Robert Duvall credited as playing...
Maj. Frank Burns
- Trapper John: Well, what's the matter with her today?
- Hawkeye Pierce: I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
- Trapper John: It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
- Hawkeye Pierce: She can't even get out of the door, look.
- [Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
- Hawkeye Pierce: Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
- Frank Burns: Mind your own business.
- Hawkeye Pierce: No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
- Duke Forrest: What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
- Trapper John: Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
- Duke Forrest: Ohhhh, is that a fact?
- Hawkeye Pierce: Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
- Frank Burns: Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
- [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
- Hawkeye Pierce: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
- Duke Forrest: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
- Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
- Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
- Frank Burns: You idiot, I said a cardiac needle!
- Pvt. Lorenzo Boone: Do you want me to get a nurse?
- Frank Burns: Too late, Boone, you killed him.
- [Walks away; Boone starts to cry]
- Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other.
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.
- Duke Forrest: What's this here?
- Frank Burns: This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.
- Duke Forrest: Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.
- [Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]
- Duke Forrest: I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.
- Ho-Jon: May I leave now, Major?
- Frank Burns: Sure, Ho-Jon.
- Frank Burns: What's that?
- Duke Forrest: That's a martin-eye, Frank.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
- Frank Burns: I don't drink.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
- Duke Forrest: I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
- Hawkeye Pierce: I think you're right, babe.
- Frank Burns: I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
- Duke Forrest: Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
- Hawkeye Pierce: [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
- Duke Forrest: No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
- Duke Forrest: How long does this go on, Frank?
- Frank Burns: It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.
- Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
- Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
- Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
- [Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
- Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
- Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
- Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
- Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
- Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.