Sally Kellerman credited as playing...
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' O'Houlihan
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Father Mulcahy, referring to Hawkeye] I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps!
- Father Mulcahy: [looks up from his Bible] He was drafted.
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Col. Blake] This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum, and it's your fault!
- [a gun goes off at the football game]
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh my God! They've shot him!
- Colonel Blake: Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop! It's the end of the quarter.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
- Hawkeye Pierce: Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you... You're what we call a regular army clown.
- Frank Burns: God meant us to find each other.
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [enthusiastically, opening her blouse] His will be done.
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [Raving about the Swampmen's latest stunt] If you don't turn them over to the MPs this minute, I - -I'm going to resign my comission!
- Colonel Blake: [In bed with a nurse] Goddamnit, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn comission!
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [stares, then turns to leave, wailing] My comission... my comission... my commission...
- Colonel Blake: [to nurse] Little more wine, my dear?
- [the origin of her nickname]
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [to Frank Burns, during sex, not knowing everyone is listening] Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!
- Trapper John: Finished work for the day?
- Frank Burns: Yes. Why?
- Trapper John: Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
- [Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
- Trapper John: [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
- Colonel Blake: Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
- Colonel Blake: What happened? Who started this?
- Trapper John: I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
- Frank Burns: He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Hot Lips, would you like to see these pictures of my kids?
- Hotlips O'Houlihan: I'm not the slightest bit interested.