Glen Campbell: Norwood Pratt

Norwood

Norwood Pratt

Vernell Bird: Bubba, how come you didn't come home when Daddy died?
Norwood Pratt: Well, I tried to get a leave but it was just too far away to get back in time.
Bill Bird: Listen, it was a damned good, all round funeral. Your poor sister fainted twice.
Vernell Bird: Oh, everybody said Daddy looked so nice there at the end. You know, the funeral home, they scrubbed him all down with Boraxso and everything and all that grease from the filling station was just gone! I never seen him look so clean.

[first lines]
Norwood Pratt: I wonder what they think of us, Joe?
[looking at a hippie couple across the intersection]
Joe William Reese: Well, maybe they got something. But, I ain't so sure I'd want it.
Norwood Pratt: Me neither. Clean that girl up a little bit though, you got a pretty good lookin' old hide there.

Norwood Pratt: Do you know me?
Grady Fring: I feel I do. I see your name right there over your pocket. Of course, you could have someone else's shirt on.

Vernell Bird: Bubba, why don't you go and call one of your old girls or somethin'?
Norwood Pratt: All the goodins have either left town or married.

Norwood Pratt: She's a good skater, all right.
Grady Fring: She is. What does her Daddy do?
Norwood Pratt: Her Daddy's died. Her Mama works down at the washateria.
Grady Fring: How old is she?
Norwood Pratt: About 56.
Grady Fring: I mean, the girl.
Norwood Pratt: Oh, around 17, I guess.
Grady Fring: Oh, I'd rather not tamper with 'em till they're 19 or 20. You will understand, Norwood, I'm not necessarily looking for skating skills.

Norwood Pratt: I think I'll go over to the roller rink to see if I can't pick up a little heifer lookin' for a ride home.

Yvonne Phillips: You are the peckerwood of all *peckerwoods*.
Norwood Pratt: I'm gettin' pretty fed up with that peckerwood business, Laverne.
Yvonne Phillips: Stop calling me Laverne!

Norwood Pratt: [singing] They'll be smoke on the water, On the land and the sea, When our army and navy, Overtakes the enemy, A-ha!

Grady Fring: She's got her own expense money, boy; so, so don't let her pull anything. Of course, you're free to work out any personal understanding.
Norwood Pratt: Maybe. If she wants to. I don't think she wants to.

Marie: [after Norwood read the contents of the canned meat he is eating] I wish you hadn't read that.
Norwood Pratt: Why?
Marie: Well, sometimes its better not to know things.
Norwood Pratt: It's all meat. Meat's meat. Did you ever eat any gopher brains?
Marie: I hope not.
Norwood Pratt: They're about like calf brains. Not really half bad if you don't think about it. The only bad part is crackin' them little skulls open.

Yvonne Phillips: You are the biggest peckerwood *bastard* in the whole world!
Norwood Pratt: Now, I don't like that kind of talk out of a girl, Laverne. You keep it up and you gonna get slapped right in the teeth. Now, what would your mama say?
Yvonne Phillips: You leave my mama outta this!

Yvonne Phillips: Why don't you let me have one of these cars?
Norwood Pratt: You mean let you steal it?
Yvonne Phillips: Well how do you think Grady Fring got ahold of it? Or, do you ever really think, Mr. Dumb Ox?
Norwood Pratt: These cars are hot?
Yvonne Phillips: They are about to burst into flames.

Norwood Pratt: I'm Norwood Pratt - from Ralph, Texas. And down there, people ask people to come in.
Marie: Well, I've heard of Ralph. But, I've never heard of Texas.

Norwood Pratt: What do you not believe in most?
Marie: Well, if you really want to know: sex.
Norwood Pratt: Sex? What do you got against that?
Marie: Sex - its like a common cold. If I see one more nude love scene in a film with all that rooting and grunting around, I'm going to throw up.
Norwood Pratt: Huh, maybe you better not go to any more of them movin' picture shows, huh.
Marie: Sex - its like housework. It never stays done.