Gene Wilder credited as playing...
Claude • Philippe
- Duke d'Escargot: What brings you to Paris?
- Claude: Oh, you might say a little business...
- Charles: ...and a little pleasure.
- Duke d'Escargot: Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure?
- Charles: Well that depends on what you regard as business.
- Claude: And, what you may regard as pleasure!
- Duke d'Escargot: In Paris we say, business is pleasure.
- Charles: And to us, pleasure is our business.
- Duke d'Escargot: Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business.
- Claude: Unless, some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure.
- Duke d'Escargot: In that case sir I will show you my business.
- Claude: My pleasure.
- Helene de Sisis: I'm sorry Philippe, I try my best to please you.
- Philippe de Sisis: How? You can't hunt, you can't ride, you can't shoot, you can't fence! What kind of a marriage is this?
- Queen Marie: [mistaking Claude for Philippe de Sisis] I must see you later.
- Claude: Me?
- Queen Marie: In my chambers.
- Claude: Why do you want to see me?
- Queen Marie: You'll soon find out.
- Philippe: In Corsica, they say there are sixty-eight ways to kill a man. You shall be the sixty-ninth!
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [Claude Coupe, mistaken for Phillipe de Sisi, has just entered the room of the Man in the Iron Mask, he is scared out of his shorts] Has the king forgiven me?
- Claude: [screams with hands over his mouth]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?
- [desperate]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Am I free?
- Claude: [calmly] Who are you?
- The Man in the Iron Mask: I'm the Man in the Iron Mask.
- Claude: Oh, ho-ho! How do you do?
- The Man in the Iron Mask: What is it?
- [he begins walking toward Claude]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Do I look so horrible? Do I frighten you?
- Claude: No, no. It's just that you reminded me of somebody else.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [hugs Claude] I'm so glad you came!
- Claude: Ho-ho, so am I! So am I!
- The Man in the Iron Mask: How can I ever thank you?
- Claude: Oh, it's nothing! Nothing. You have a nice place here.
- [the man in the iron mask is now shaking Claude's monk costume]
- Claude: Oh! Watch the mask. Watch the mask.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Take me with you.
- Claude: [grabs the man's helmet] Take me with you! Yes.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Don't leave me alone. Take me.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: Look, I'll go outside, then I'll come back and we'll have a last walk.
- The Man in the Iron Mask: [speaking over Claude] Please don't leave me here! Please! Please!
- [he is obviously desperate]
- Claude: [speaking over the Man in the Iron Mask] Look, look, I wouldn't leave you here, you're my friend. But take you with me; I don't even know who you are.
- Claude: Yaaaghh!
- [he tosses the man off him onto the floor and closes the door, leaving]
- The Man in the Iron Mask: I thought the king forgave me.
- Philippe: I like this plan. Half of France will soon be ours.
- Pierre: Why settle for half? When all of France could be ours.
- Philippe: All of France? Yes. We don't need d'Escargot
- Pierre: Exactly.
- Philippe: Exactly. All the castles.
- Pierre: All the chapels.
- Philippe: All the windows.
- Pierre: The drapes.
- Philippe: All the leather.
- Pierre: The lace.
- Philippe: All the forest!
- Pierre: All the flowers.
- Philippe: All the land!
- Pierre: All the grass.
- Philippe: The rocks!
- Pierre: The stones.
- Philippe: The pebbles!
- Pierre: The dirt.
- Philippe: The mud!
- Pierre: The muck.
- Philippe: I have a new destiny! One day I shall be King!
- Pierre: And I shall be Queen!
- Philippe: Wait till I get her back in that chapel. I'll bring out the *peacock* feathers. That'll tickle her fancy.
- Duke d'Escargot: [mistaking Claude for Philippe de Sisis] I must complement you on your appearance. So charmingly obscene. So vile. So filthy. So disgusting.
- Philippe: Thank you.
- Duke d'Escargot: You've achieved a rare vulgarity in peasantry.
- Claude: [at the ball] Why didn't you expose me?
- Helene de Sisis: [mistaking Claude for Philippe de Sisis] I know your taste Philippe; but, this is hardly the place for that.
- Dr. Boileau: Now, young man. What is your name?
- Philippe: My name? You want to know my name?
- Dr. Boileau: Oh yes.
- Philippe: That's what you're asking me, what is my name?
- Dr. Boileau: Oh yes.
- Philippe: I'll tell you my name, if you want to know what my name is.
- Dr. Boileau: I do.
- Philippe: Do you know *why* I'm going to tell you my name?
- Dr. Boileau: No.
- Philippe: Do you *want* to know *why* I'm going to *tell* you my *name*...
- Dr. Boileau: Oh yes.
- Philippe: ...you *blithering fat headed addle brained idiot?
- [Philippe grabs Boileau]
- Dr. Boileau: Ohh!
- Philippe: *Aagh!* Because you *asked* me my name, that's *why* I'm going to *tell* you my *name!* *Because you*...
- [Jacques buffets Philippe]
- Jacques: See, I told you so, they're crazy.
- Dr. Boileau: I know.
- Dr. Boileau: [to Pierre] Now young man. Do you know who *you* are?
- Pierre: Of *course* I know who *we* are.
- Dr. Boileau: Who?
- Pierre: ...The Corsican Brothers.
- [there is raucous laughter]
- Dr. Boileau: [incredulously] The *Corsican Brothers?* Oh, I'm so sorry... Oh do forgive me. I'm so sorry, the Corsican Brothers!
- Dr. Boileau: [to Jacques] You're right, they're crazy!
- [Dr. Boileau pulls the lever with Philippe and Pierre subsequently falling through a trapdoor]
- [last lines]
- [it's present day in front of King Louis XVI's Summer Palace]
- The Narrator: [reading out of the discovered book] Listen to this. "This incredible meeting was to write a glittering new page in history. For you see..."
- [the Narrator is shot dead by a Descendant of Pierre]
- Descendant of Pierre: [to a Descendant of Charles after they both appear in the distance] Now no one will know the secret.
- [as the Descendant of Charles grabs the book dropped to the ground by the Narrator, he is shot dead by a Descendant of Philippe, who subsequently shoots dead the Descendant of Pierre]
- Descendant of Claude: [to the Descendant of Philippe as they both appear from behind the bushes] Did you have to shoot them? I didn't know you were going to shoot them.
- Descendant of Philippe: Bring me that book.
- [the Descendant of Claude picks up the book and hands it to the Descendant of Philippe, who opens it in preparing to read it]
- Descendant of Claude: You didn't have to shoot them. We've could have talked things over.
- Descendant of Philippe: Talk? Is that what you want: talk?
- Descendant of Claude: [as he nods positively] Well, you didn't have to...
- [the Descendant of Philippe shoots the Descendant of Claude]
- Descendant of Claude: [just before he falls to the ground dead] ... shoot them.
- Descendant of Claude: [to the camera as he opens the book and starts to read aloud] "This incredible meeting was to write a glittering new page in history. For you see..."
- [a Descendant of the Man in the Iron Mask shoots the Descendant of Philippe dead]
- Descendant of the Man in the Iron Mask: [yelling as he starts to run away] Free! Free!