When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth

Things I learned from this movie:

1) Dirt never sticks to cavewomen, but it does stick to cavemen. Cavemen are, in fact, so dirty that it makes you wonder why cavewomen ever consented to be with them.

2) Cavewomen, by the way, are hot!

3) Giant Crabs will eat you if they have the chance.

4) Always be nice to dinosaurs if you can, they will become your friends and save you from a horrible fate.

5) Bondage is as old as man.

6) Bikinis are as old as man. (See also "One Million Years BC" for further details.) Also, they stay on under amazing situations, although only barely.

7) The words "Agoba" and particularly "AKEETA," were important linguistic developments in the history of speech.

8) In the time it takes a tidal wave to reach the shore, you have time to make a boat and fight over it with your arch-rival.

9) Never, never stand in front of a tidal wave, waving your arms about and trying to turn it back by magic. This will not work.

10) Cavewomen are HOT! Wait, did I say that already? OK, number 10 is: AKEETA!

In short, a priceless movie. Meaning that you should pay as little as possible to see it, but you should see it.

A movie that just seems to get better with the passing years. The dialog is in "caveman" with no subtitles, which means the story is told almost entirely in visual terms. But, hey, that's how movies got started in the first place! Worth noting is the Canary Island scenery which is fresh and evocative. The human scenery is attractive as well with stars Victoria Vetri and Robin Hawdon spending the entire production in nothing more than fur bikinis. Hawdon's career in film acting never took off but he did a lot of stage work in England and a lot of writing as well. Worth reading is his 1984 novel, "A Rustle in the Grass" -- a delightful novel (a la "Watership Down") about a colony of ants. His most memorable scene in this movie consists of "beefcake-bondage" and it comes when he's tied spread-eagle-style between two wooden posts. Fuel for a fire is then piled between his spread-open legs. Curiously, though, his tormentors allow him to keep on his loincloth which certainly won't protect his more sensitive parts from the rising flames but which will, unfortunately, block some of the view and thus lessen the fun. Well, they were only cavemen and thus have a lot to learn about the nudity factor in torture and executions.

Sure this film is filled with all sorts of historical (hysterical) inaccuracies but I bet millions of teens and preteens didn't go to the movie theaters to get a history lesson back in 1970. I know I sure didn't want to see a Discovery Channel documentary when I fed "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" into my DVD player. I wanted to be taken back to an imaginary time that existed in the exciting corners of my brain when I was a kid --- you know, when cavemen fought against big old dinosaurs to stay alive and compete for food. Heck, is the world Hammer created any different than, let's say, the world Hollywood created for "King Kong"? I don't remember anyone complaining about dinosaurs and giant apes supposedly existing in 1930.

But I digress, this is the incredible love story between a caveman (Robin Hawdon) and a cave cutie (Victori Vetri) who have to fight off jealous cave competitors and giant stop-motion dinos to find their place in the sun. If you allow yourself to be transported into this imaginary world, you can really enjoy the story for all it's worth. You have beautiful leads, prehistoric romance, some sex (if you watch the uncut version), volcanoes, battles between cave tribes, dinosaur danger, and a completely made-up language for the dialog. What fun! It's not "Jurassic Park" but even that blockbuster saw fit to pay tribute by naming it's theme park display after this aged little film.

Seen 35 years or so later, the special effects are a little disappointing and I've never seen such good looking cave people before (outside of Raquel Welch, of course). But this is a enjoyable way to pass some time on a Saturday afternoon.

I remember seeing this movie with my brother at the theater back in 1971. When we arrived, we received a book with the language used in the movie and a rough translation. I can find no mention of that book on any web site, and haven't purchased the video to see if it is still printed. It was great fun watching it again today after so many years. Even without the translation, the movie is very enjoyable and great fun to watch. Although the "dinosaurs" leave a little to be desired compared to today's movies, they did a great job integrating real lizards into the film.

I saw this film when it was first released. I must've been 10--and I was a real dino freak. I was totally jazzed when I found it on video many years later.

Someone else mentioned getting a translation book at the theatre...I never got one. The magazine Castle of Frankenstein (real mag title, folks!) ran a translation guide that month. I still have that mag somewhere--they also ran a pin-up of Victoria Vetri in the movie bikini, wielding a spear (I had that page on my wall for months).

As I recall (and is pretty evident from the 1,004 times it's used in the film) "neecro" means evil. So "Sanna neecro" means the blonde chick is evil. Of course, she's not really evil. "Neecro" should mean totally hot, but these were cave days. And they had only 26 words. I'm pretty sure Superfragilisticexpialidotious wasn't one of them

The effects by Jim Danforth (not David Allen) are excellent--right up there with Harryhausen. They still hold up against 3D computer effects.

While the story has genuine dramatic underpinnings, the cave-language kinda gets in the way of clarity. Too often the viewer has no idea what's being said. That aside, it's a fun movie with great effects and british babes in skimpy outfits sharing a beach with dinosaurs.

Oddly, for a dino pic, there's a LOT of stage sets, and I don't mean the dino FX shots. They had a bit of trouble matching shots between set and location work. And it shows.

That aside, it's a fun movie with great effects. Any dino fan should check it out. It's not Jurassic Park, but then again Laura Dern didn't show cleavage.