Carroll O'Connor credited as playing...
Archie Bunker
- Mike Stivic: Why couldn't they say "Buddha bless you" in Chinese?
- Archie Bunker: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".
- Mike Stivic: That's Japanese.
- Archie Bunker: Same thing.
- Mike Stivic: It's not the same thing!
- Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?
- Mike Stivic: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.
- Archie Bunker: Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"
- Mike Stivic: [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!
- Mike Stivic: In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.
- Archie Bunker: Well, you don't work. Maybe we should throw you out.
- Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.
- [Shows him the art exhibit book]
- Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.
- Mike Stivic: That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.
- Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
- Mike Stivic: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
- Archie Bunker: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?
- Mike Stivic: Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.
- Archie Bunker: Then do that.
- Gloria: Do you know that 60% of all deaths in America are caused by guns?
- Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
- Mike Stivic: What were you saying about colored families having no love?
- Archie Bunker: Why is it you can remember everything except how to work?
- Mike Stivic: That's what's wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more!
- Archie Bunker: Can I ask *you* a question?
- Mike Stivic: Sure.
- Archie Bunker: Why don't you shut up?
- Archie: Where's my grandson?
- Mike Stivic: He's asleep.
- Archie: Well, wake him up.
- Mike Stivic: He's tired.
- Archie: But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bathtub, or on the pot.
- Edith Bunker: Mike is family.
- Archie Bunker: Gloria is family. What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage.
- Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
- Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
- [doorbell rings]
- Edith Bunker: [Running] I'll get it!
- Archie Bunker: Geez Louise, Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings?
- Edith Bunker: [Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out?
- Archie Bunker: Why, ya sellin' the house?
- Edith Bunker: You've been in there for 20 minutes.
- Archie Bunker: Who are you? The official time-keeper?
- Edith Bunker: What are ya doin' in there?
- Archie Bunker: I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out!
- Gloria Stivic: Daddy, what I don't understand is how can the Duke be alive if he threw himself on a grenade?
- Archie Bunker: 'Cause it was an Italian grenade. It was a dud like everything else them Pasta-Fazoos made.