Michael Palin credited as playing...
Gumby • Man with tape recorder • Phrasebook Author • Arthur Pewtey • Second self - defence student • Second Tenant • Lost His Wallet • Shrill Petrol Announcer • Milkman • Ernest Scribbler • Pet shop employee • Lumberjack • Headwaiter Gilberto • Herbert Anchovy • Blackmail Presenter • Gervais Brookhamster • Town Guild Lady
- Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
- Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
- Customer: "VOOM"? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
- Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
- Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!
- Bevis: I didn't want to do this, you know. I wanted to be a lumberjack!
- Mr. Praline: Yes, this is irrelevant.
- Bevis: Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing!
- [sings]
- Bevis: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.
- Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
- Bevis: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
- Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory/On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea./He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
- Bevis: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
- Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press widlflowers.
- [uneasily]
- Mounties Chorus: He puts on... women's... clothing? And hangs around... in... bars?
- [bright as ever]
- Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
- Bevis: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
- Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears... high... heels? Suspenders? And a... bra? Ugghhh...
- [they storm off]
- Bevis: I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!
- Best Girl: Oh, Bevis! And I though you were so butch!
- Self-Defense teacher: Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. First, you force him to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless!
- Self-Defense student #2: Suppose he's got a bunch?
- Self-Defense teacher: SHUT UP!
- Self-Defense student #4: Suppose he's got a pointed stick?
- Self-Defense teacher: ...SHUT UP!