Woody Allen credited as playing...
Fielding Mellish
- Nancy: You're immature, Fielding.
- Fielding Mellish: [whining] How am I immature?
- Nancy: Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.
- Fielding Mellish: Yeah, but what other ways?
- Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.
- Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark?
- Fielding Mellish: I've been, yes... to the Vatican.
- Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
- Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.
- Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
- Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
- Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
- Fielding Mellish: Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
- Judge: You're out of order!
- Fielding Mellish: I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
- Esposito: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!
- Fielding Mellish: What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?
- Luis: Power has driven him mad!
- Fielding Mellish: I love you, I love you.
- Nancy: Oh, say it in French! Oh, please, say it in French!
- Fielding Mellish: I don't know French.
- Nancy: Oh, please... please!
- Fielding Mellish: What about Hebrew?
- Nancy: [disappointed] Oh.
- Fielding Mellish: Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
- Rebel Leader: In event of snake bite, you make an incision and you suck out the poison. Remember, you must *suck* out the poison. What do you do?
- Rebel Soldier: Suck out the poison.
- Rebel Soldier #2: Suck out - the poison.
- Rebel Soldier #3: Suck out the poison.
- Fielding Mellish: I will not, I cannot suck anybody's leg who I am not engaged to.
- Snake Bite Lady: [running topless through the camp, clasping her breast] Snake bite! I got bitten by a snake! I got bitten by a snake! Help! Snake bite! Help!
- [Fielding chases after her, followed by all the rebels]
- Nancy: I was just saying to someone the other day that the Scandinavians seem to have such an instinctive feel for the human condition.
- Fielding Mellish: That's very wise, you know. That's, I think, pithy.
- Nancy: Oh, it was a - pithy. It had... great pith.
- Fielding Mellish: Yeth. Pith.
- Nancy: Pith?
- [Fielding is talking to a psychiatrist]
- Fielding Mellish: I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself...
- Fielding Mellish: [At a fundraising dinner] I'm reminded tonight of the - of the farmer who had incestuous relations with both his daughters simultaneously and - No. It's the - it's the wrong crowd for this joke. Um.
- Fielding Mellish: [getting off the plane in the USA disguised as the President of San Marcos]
- The interpreter: [in English] I am Mr. Hernandez, the official interpreter!
- Senator: Welcome to the United States.
- The interpreter: [in English to Fielding] "Welcome to the United States."
- Fielding Mellish: [in English] Thank you!
- The interpreter: [to the Senator] "Thank you!"
- Senator: Did you have a good flight?
- The interpreter: [in English to Fielding] "Did you have a good flight?"
- Fielding Mellish: [in English] Yes, I did!
- The interpreter: [in English to the Senator] "Yes, I did!"
- Senator: Well, we hope your stay in our country...
- The interpreter: [English, to Fielding] "We hope your stay in our country..."
- Senator: ...will be delightful!
- The interpreter: [in English] "... will be delightful!"
- Fielding Mellish: [in English] I am looking forward to it...
- The interpreter: [to the Senator] "I am looking forward to it..."
- Fielding Mellish: Ah, with great anticipation!
- The interpreter: [to the Senator] "With great anticipation!"
- The interpreter: [Two men in orderly uniforms and butterfly nets appear and attempt to drag the interpreter away]
- Magazine Store Cashier: Say, Ralph, how much is a copy of "Orgasm"?
- Fielding Mellish: Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
- Magazine Store Clerk: What?
- Magazine Store Cashier: "Orgasm"! This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
- Fielding Mellish: I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.
- Nancy: I know just what you mean!
- Fielding Mellish: Jesus, life is so cruel!
- [Fielding slams the locker door on his friend's fingers, who doubles over in pain]
- Fielding Mellish: See what I mean?
- Nancy: Can... can you, like, define the meaning of love?
- Fielding Mellish: What do you... define... it's love! I love you! I... I want you in a way of cherishing your... your... your totality and your otherness, and... and in the sense of a presence, and a being, and a whole coming and a going in a room with grapefruit, and... and love of a thing of nature in a sense of not wanting or being jealous of the thing that a person possesses.
- Nancy: Do you have any gum?