Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate

Having not seen this (made-for-TV-I believe) film since I was 11 years old in 1971, it was not as good as I remembered it to be, unfortunately. The cast is great fun and first-rate. Helen Hayes is a hoot playing 7O year-old Sophie T. and Myrna Loy, Sylvia Sidney & Mildred Natwick are fine in their parts.

Watching this movie last night, I realized how very dated it has become, and even the sound quality was very bad - plus the color looked cheap and faded. There ARE some really funny one-liners and the four old gals work beautifully together but the film as a whole dates badly.

As a whole, this movie is a 1971 curio, based on the Doris Miles Disney novel of the same name. If you can accept it's out-moded notions, sit back and have fun!

Helen Hayes, Myrna Loy, Mildred Natwick and Sylvia Sidney are in their twilight years, but don't tell them that. They're spry and ready to shake up their monotonous life. At least Helen does. She has taken to the idea of joining one of those computerized dating groups in this 1971 TV movie. Hence the title. That's what they say about the form that is inserted into the database. They have made up an imaginary young lady, Rebecca Meade, and her fictional statistics to have a little fun and to while away the hours. What they didn't count on was a disturbed prospect, played too well by Vince Edwards. Myrna Loy provides the voice of reason at all stages of this outlandish enterprise, and Sylvia Sidney is her usual sweet yet quirky self. But perhaps the best scene stealers of the film are Helen Hayes, who is thriving on the excitement and Mildred Natwick who is given some of the best lines and whose character must have been quite a tease in her day. When Vince makes an advance on "Rebecca," they rebuff him, which only gives him the impetus to go off the deep end. This was a very entertaining, short and surprisingly well written film. The law is played by John Beradino, of "General Hospital" fame, and you can tell that Sylvia really takes a liking to him in their few scenes together. For a good time with some good actresses, "Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate" is the place to be. They keep things happening.

This film led to The Snoop sisters, a short lived TV series in which two elderly ladies get caught up in murders as twin Miss Marples.

The story is about four elderly ladies in southern California, all pretty well off, all played by easily recognizable actresses of Hollywood's Golden age. They eat, shop, and play bridge together, but they are also rather bored. So they decide to fill out a form for a computer dating service, making up the girl who is trying to date - 5'7, blonde, blue eyed, 125 pounds, 23. They give her a made up name, making sure nobody else who has that name is in the telephone book, and also indicate she has no phone so nobody will try to contact her. Thus any correspondence will be by mail through the service.

But things run amok. Their imaginary dating profile matches with a nearby psychopath. The funniest part of the film is this guy's inner monologue translated into hippie talk - "Gotta stay cool. Don't get too heavy.... She'll think this is groovy" And so on. The guy sounds like Austin Powers without the charm and flair for fashion. And everything is about him, perceiving every coincidence or mix up as some lie or disrespect paid to him. This leads to him believing that a girl he picks up in a bar is actually his computer date, and when she says she is not, he kills her.

The four older women read about the crime in the news and think it has something to do with their computer dating antics, and thus begin their investigation, bumping into the police several times along the way.

Of the four older ladies Helen Hayes is supposed to be the most modern one with the most precocious ideas. But they don't make this ridiculous like some films did of 50 years ago, having older women act like 25 year old hippies, just in older bodies.

"Do Not Fold, Spindle or Mutilate" is a fun made for TV movie from 1971. I am pretty sure the success of this film led to a similar short-lived TV series, "The Snoop Sister"--with two of the same four stars who played the leads in this movie.

When the film begins, four cute old ladies meet for lunch (Helen Hayes, Mildred Natwick, Myrna Loy and Sylvia Sidney). Over lunch, one of them has a hair-brained idea....which shows that these women are really bored and have way too much time on their hands! For kicks, they'll create a fake persona and enter her in a computer dating service-- just to see what happens next. Unfortunately, one of the guys turns out to be total psycho (Vince Edwards)...one that is very scary and resourceful. Little did they know that the fake meeting they set up turns out to end in murder, as the crazed man thinks another woman is his computer date...and when she is confused and tells him to leave, he kills her! Now, he could come looking for the old ladies...or, these spunky old ladies COULD come looking for him! Either way, bad things could easily happen to them!

The reason this ridiculous plot works is that these old ladies are so gosh-darn cute. Additionally, the big confrontation scene with the murderer turns out to be very funny...something I didn't expect. Well made and fun...and one of the more enjoyable "ABC Movie of the Week" installments.

Helen Hayes, Myrna Loy, Mildred Natwick and Sylvia Sidney are four oldsters in a Pasadena bridge club who concoct a fictional girl for a computer dating service; they want to live vicariously through the responses their creation will receive (I guess), but instead they attract the attention of a psychopath (Vince Edwards, who talks to himself in a 'creepy' voice-over: "I'll get her some flowers...yeah, chicks dig that!"). Made-for-television mystery with a light touch attempts to balance wry character portraits with standard police detective work, with pallid results. Despite an Emmy nomination for Hayes, the female leads aren't able to create actual characters (it's just not there in the writing). Edwards, paunchy with spectacles and his hair combed down over his forehead, looks like an actor at the end of his rope. Hayes and Natwick went on to become "The Snoop Sisters" for a TV-movie and short-lived series.