Elliott Gould credited as playing...
Alfred Chamberlain
- Alfred Chamberlain: Those guys in the park, they said 'Hey, fatface! What are you staring at?' If I told them I wasn't staring at them, they would've beat me up for being a liar. And if I told them I was staring at them because I wanted to take their picture, then they'd beat me up for being a cop. So I told them I was staring at them because they looked familiar, and they beat me up for being a fag. There's no way of talking someone out of beating you up if that's what he wants to do.
- Mr. Newquist: Why don't you call me 'Dad'?
- Alfred Chamberlain: I didn't call my own father 'Dad.'
- Mr. Newquist: What did you call him?
- Alfred Chamberlain: I didn't call him anything. The occasion never came up.
- Alfred Chamberlain: It was after this that I began to wonder. If they're that unformidable, why bother to fight back? It's very dangerous. It's dangerous to challenge a system unless you're completely at peace with the thought that you're not going to miss it when it collapses.
- Rev. Dupas: Your father-in-law wants me to mention the deity in the ceremony. He wants me to sneak it in. He's offered me a lot of money to do it.
- Alfred Chamberlain: I don't know what to tell you, Henry.
- Rev. Dupas: Well, if it's all right with you, I'd like to take the money and not mention the deity; First Existential can use the money.
- Alfred Chamberlain: I trust you.
- Patsy Newquist: Oh, Alfred, do you really?
- Alfred Chamberlain: I nearly trust you.
- Patsy Newquist: Nearly?
- Alfred Chamberlain: I nearly do. I really nearly do.
- Patsy Newquist: [ecstatically] Oh, Alfred!
- Patsy Newquist: It isn't just pain you don't feel, you don't feel pleasure!
- Alfred Chamberlain: I do feel pleasure.
- Patsy Newquist: About what?
- Alfred Chamberlain: A lot of things.
- Patsy Newquist: Name one!
- Alfred Chamberlain: My work.
- Patsy Newquist: Oh, name another.
- Alfred Chamberlain: Sleeping.
- Patsy Newquist: Work and sleeping. Oh, that's just great! What about sex?
- Alfred Chamberlain: Makes you sleep better.
- Patsy Newquist: And you're going to feel starting right now, is that right? I don't want a nod, I want an answer. Say, "yes, Patsy."
- Alfred Chamberlain: Yes, Patsy.
- Patsy Newquist: Yes, Patsy what?
- Alfred Chamberlain: Yes, Patsy, I'm going to feel.
- Patsy Newquist: Starting when?
- Alfred Chamberlain: Starting as soon as I can manage it.
- Patsy Newquist: Starting when?
- Alfred Chamberlain: Starting now.
- Patsy Newquist: And what's your first feeling?
- Alfred Chamberlain: Er, it's sort of distant.