The Toy Box

I would like to see the movie before I could give you a review.

You might want to check into getting professional help. I have seen a lot of movies in my 30 something years and this was without a doubt the single worst film of them all. Absolute trash. Really the most retarded movie of all time. This movie makes other bad movies look like citizen kane. Horribly dubbed to the point of being pathetic. Honestly the XXX movies of the seventies have better stories, plots, acting, and dubbing. It is chock full of nudity which is fine by me but still cant make this garbage worth watching. After 30 minutes I had to skip to the end because it was sooooo , well stupid. I had seen other comments talking about the twist ending. It was just as incoherent as the rest of the movie. Honestly people this movie is that bad. I like cheesy horror movies but this movie is too stupid for words. A new word needs to be created to describe just how bad this movie is. I could take a cheap camcorder and make a better movie. I don't even think this movie would be interesting under the influence of LSD and thats bad. lol... Avoid this movie like the plague. Sorry to rant and rave but it really sucked that bad.

Said it before and I'll say it again … WHO comes up with flamboyant, perverted and totally utterly demented story lines like this!?! The script for "The Toy Box" feels like it's actually the collective work of a group of criminally insane mental patients that urgently need extra therapy and/or heavier medication. But hey, the plot may be completely bonkers; at least it's not a dull and overlong series of unrelated soft-core porn sequences like too many contemporary films from that era (and also released on the Something Weird label) are. The least you have to admit is that the themes hinted at in "The Toy Box" will keep you alert, curious and even a bit fascinated, especially because the whole thing gets crazier and more surreal with every little twist. Dig this: once per month, a large group of ultra-horny people gathers at a mansion belonging to an elderly guy they all call Uncle, where they put up a sexy show (illustrating a fantasy, modeling bizarre outfits, etc…) and receive good money for it. This time, uncle is sitting dead in his chair in the attic, but it doesn't seem to matter for the guests as they continue to perform their acts in front of his decomposing body. Whilst trying to get out, one couple even discovers that uncle's persona is simply a cover-up for a criminal network of aliens who are abducting sexually overactive human beings and sell them on their own planet as drugs! How about that! With a slight bit of imagination you could even claim this is a forerunner of Peter Jackson's "Bad Taste", in which potato-headed aliens slice up an entire little town in order to serve them in an intergalactic chain of fast-food restaurants! But obviously the substantial madness in "The Toy Box" is only secondary to massive amount of sex footage. There's some to satisfy all tastes and preferences, including masturbation, lesbian action, orgies, sex toys, S&M, role-playing and plain old heterosexual games. The footage is remarkably more arousing than in most similar film and, surprisingly enough, not nearly as vulgar or OTT kinky as I anticipated. The cast exists of a bunch of ugly guys with too much body hair and – naturally – an army of exquisitely beautiful and voluptuous vixens. Uschi Digard depicts the ultimate sex-siren (performing a one-woman-show on a living bed) but she receives excellent torrid support from various lesser-known hotties, even including one of Paris Hilton's relatives (I think). Sure this is bad, but inarguably unique and definitely recommended to cult fanatics with a morbid fascination for the bizarre.

It's the presence of Uschi Digard and Malta that make this film seeing at all. I wonder if this was the first erotic simulated sex combination horror scifi film. One thing is for sure, it's one of the weirdest wildest erotic films ever made. It plays like an x-rated twilight zone or outer limits episode. The actresses have great bodies especially Uschi and Malta. Marsha Jordan also makes a brief appearance in the orgy scene but don't blink or you'll miss her. It even borrows part of its film score from (are you ready for this) the original INVADERS FROM MARS (the classic scifi movie of the 50's!) The orgy scene is done pretty well. I'm not really giving anything away here because in every erotic film of this period there were orgy scenes and in some movies there were even two or three such scenes. Uschi has a great body and her two scenes are very erotic. The first one she basically is masturbating on top of a bed with (we assume) a guy under the sheets to make us believe the bed she is on is possessed. The second scene she is in is the orgy scene where she is having simulated sex, riding on top of a guy.

Los Angles' Boxoffice International were truly the purveyors of some of the most unpredictable sexploitation movies ever conceived, and they didn't come much stranger than The ToyBox. Two swingers Donna and Ralph, along with a whole bunch of like minded individuals come to a castle run by `Uncle'. Uncle is a rich old man who rewards them for acting out some of their most out to lunch fantasies with a gift from the `Toybox' that always contains something they've always wanted. Its the fantasy scenes of `greedy people performing sex acts'that make up the film and what strange fantasies these folks have! One tubby guy fantasizes about women being hung up like butchers cuts who come back to life and hack him to pieces with meat cleavers. In what appears to be a parody of a German sex film, one long haired guy imagines himself and a girl running around speaking German, he puts on a scary mask and she kills him with a pitchfork. Uschi Digart, an actresses with big things in front of her turns up to get groped by a horny `Thing' like hand in a box (the latter scene really has to be seen to be believed). Donna and Ralph soon realise that things are far from normal- How does Uncle know what they're doing when he always stays in his room?, Why does he appear dead ? and why is he so lacking in the eyeball department! is it all part of an alien invasion? Soon severed heads start falling from the roof, people start dropping dead on the spot, a 50ft Woman and a glowing Kiss Me Deadly style case turn up as well. Never mind what 70's exploitation movie audiences made of this, today I can't imagine anyone watching The Toybox without thinking `what the hell is this?' What it is, is wonderfully disorientating. The Toybox also contains scenes that put most horror films of the time to shame, plus a spooky ending of Carnival of Souls proportions. Confusing? oh yes but far from the average softcore quickie its an almost impossible movie to classify- part Sci-Fi, part House on Haunted Hill and part skin flick as viewed through the eyes of someone on the verge of infinite madness. As for director Ron V Garcia he's more well known as a noted cinematographer on many movies (everything from Seventies sleaze to recent mainstream assignments) and has a good eye for the bizarre. Its a shame he didn't direct more movies, then again how could you top something like The Toybox?. It was as if Garcia wanted to create the most eccentric movie on the face of the planet, and he certainly had a good go ! The Toybox then is surely the best surreal Age of Aquarius sexpo overflowing with early Seventies craziness ever made.