Redd Foxx credited as playing...
Fred G. Sanford • Ebenezer Scrooge • Redd Foxx
- Aunt Esther: My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.
- Fred Sanford: And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.
- Fred Sanford: Who is it?
- Aunt Esther: It's Esther!
- Fred Sanford: Esther who?
- Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool!
- Fred Sanford: I can't open the door!
- Aunt Esther: Why not?
- Fred Sanford: You too ugly!
- Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
- Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.
- Fred Sanford: Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.
- Lamont Sanford: So we're gonna do like Moses?
- Fred Sanford: No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.
- Fred Sanford: Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.
- Lamont Sanford: I was hoping you'd understand...
- Fred Sanford: If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.
- Lamont Sanford: I appreciate it...
- Fred Sanford: But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.
- Aunt Esther: Who you calling ugly, sucker?
- Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.
- Lamont Sanford: What's the matter with you, man?
- Fred Sanford: Didn't you read the paper?
- Lamont Sanford: No. What happened?
- Fred Sanford: Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.
- Lamont Sanford: I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.
- Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free.
- Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.
- [clutching his chest dramatically]
- Fred Sanford: Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.
- Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.
- Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.
- Donna Harris: Where are you going?
- Fred Sanford: [drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.
- Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?
- Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.
- Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!
- Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford why is it every time I come over to your house you call me ugly?
- Fred Sanford: Because I'm not the type to lie.
- Fred Sanford: Who is it?
- Lamont Sanford: It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.
- Fred Sanford: Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?
- Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.
- Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.
- Fred Sanford: Goodbye, dear
- Aunt Esther: Oh, you called me dear.
- Fred Sanford: Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father!
- Fred Sanford: [Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside] What's the matter, Grady?
- Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.
- Grady Wilson: I gotta throw up!