Peter Falk credited as playing...
Columbo
- Lieutenant Columbo: [presenting his car to Mike the mechanic] What do you think of this?
- Mike Alexander: Have you ever thought of getting a new car?
- Lieutenant Columbo: No, you see, I already have two cars. Of course, my wife's car is nothing special. That's just for transportation. You understand.
- Mike Alexander: I only work on foreign cars.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, it's a foreign car.
- Mike Alexander: Oh, I know, but... there are limits, mate, you know?
- Lieutenant Columbo: [Upset that a beautiful young pianist has apparently committed suicide] A man... the man... a person... somebody. Woman like that's gotta have somebody. Eyes like that! But that's me, I'm paranoic. Every time I see a dead body, I think it's been murdered. Can't imagine anyone murdering themselves... especially a young girl like that... beautiful eyes... but that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.
- Dr. Benson: [referring to Columbo's dog] Say, how old is he?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Kinda hard to say. You see, I just picked him up at the pound. His time was up, if you know what I mean.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Can I ask you a personal question?
- Alex Benedict: Please.
- Lieutenant Columbo: What do you pay in taxes on this place?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Well listen. Audrey, it's been nice talkin to ya, and I appreciate the advice about the dog.
- Audrey: [Looking at the dog] What's his name?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Ya know, I don't know the name yet? What do you think about 'Fido'?
- Audrey: [sarcastically] Oh, WOW, how'd you ever think of THAT one?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Okay, Doc. Thanks for staying open. I got these peculiar hours...
- Dr. Benson: Ah, no sweat. My wife doesn't like music. She watches murder mysteries, so whenever the concert's on, I work late.
- Paul Rifkin: You're not for real, Lieutenant. The only thing next door is a laundromat.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Well, there USED to be a cigar store.
- Paul Rifkin: You're not a jazz freak. You made a special trip over here to see me. Why?
- Lieutenant Columbo: What a car. What a piece of machinery! I mean, just sitting in this thing makes me feel good. I smell this leather, I feel the felt. I look at this wood. I wanna tell you, all my life I wanted a car like this. Of course, on my salary, forget about it.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Oh, she could've passed out from the gas. And she coulda fallen off that chair and she could have bumped her head; but, uh... you know, that was a pretty good bump. You know, someone coulda hit her.
- Alex Benedict: That's just an assumption on your part.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Right. Very difficult to prove.
- Lieutenant Columbo, Dr. Benson: All right, come on, dog.
- Dr. Benson: Hey, you got a name for him yet?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Nah, I was thinking of watching him and give him a name that fits something he did, but all he does is sleep and drool.
- Alex Benedict: Listen, uh... How did you arrive at that figure, 750,000?
- Lieutenant Columbo: It's real estate rule of thumb. It's a trick. No magic. I'm not an appraiser or anything like that.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Excuse me. I hate to keep bothering you people, but I have something which I think will interest you.
- Alex Benedict: Mr. Columbo, nothing you could possibly say could interest me.
- Lieutenant Columbo: I never got to ask you last night what I wanted to ask ya.
- Alex Benedict: Go ahead.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Terrific place. Terrific.
- Alex Benedict: Thank you. We like it.
- Lieutenant Columbo: I'm very impressed with you.
- Audrey: Oh, really? Is it my body or my mind?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Well, it's both really. No, seriously, Audrey, give me a break. What I'm trying to say is, that for a young girl, you're a very independent-minded person.
- Audrey: Don't bother with any male chauvinistic compliments.
- Lieutenant Columbo: I had a thought. Listen to this: what if she didn't commit suicide?
- Alex Benedict: Uh, isn't that peculiar? Because that's what I was gonna say. That... That... I was awake almost all night thinking about the same thing.
- Lieutenant Columbo: No kidding.
- Alex Benedict: Yes... only I rejected the idea.
- Lieutenant Columbo: I'm Lt. Columbo. I'm a fan of yours, a really big fan. In fact, I just got your latest album.
- Alex Benedict: Thank you. I didn't realize that you were interested in piano concertos.
- Lieutenant Columbo: No, no. I'm talking about the album of Strauss waltzes. "The Blue Danube." You know the one I mean?
- Alex Benedict: Yes. I 'd forgotten that.
- Lieutenant Columbo: Mr. Benedict home?
- Lieutenant Columbo, The House Boy: You musician?
- Lieutenant Columbo: No, cop.
- The House Boy: Cop?
- Lieutenant Columbo: Policeman. C-O-L-U-M-B-O. Me.
- The House Boy: Oh! Come in, please. You musician. You stay.