James Garner credited as playing...
Abel Marsh
- Kate Bingham: Can you imagine coming home, and your wife says she's leaving you for someone else, and you say, "Who, Phil?" and she says, "No. Phyllis."
- Abel Marsh: Well, that's the ultimate put-down... to those of us who are normal heterosexuals.
- Abel Marsh: [Dumping two shot glasses of bourbon into his beer] I, uh, once read where Harry Truman used to drink triple-bourbons for lunch. When I read that... I voted for him.
- Abel Marsh: I leave this town for one week and everything starts to fall apart. Dogs start eatin' people...
- George: Say, Ernie told me that you showed them how to do it down there in Los Angeles.
- Abel Marsh: Do what?
- George: Well, you know.
- Abel Marsh: No, I don't know.
- George: I don't blame you for doin' it.
- Abel Marsh: Doin' what?
- George: You don't have to talk about it, Abel!
- John: [on the police radio] Who?
- Abel Marsh: Bingham. Kate Bingham.
- John: The dog lady?
- Abel Marsh: Yeah.
- John: You sure you want her, Abel. I can come out.
- Abel Marsh: I don't want you, John. I want Mrs. Bingham.
- Abel Marsh: There's an old police rule, which I just made up, you know who did it, then, you know where to look. I mean, if Harry did it you, you just run over to Harry's house and catch him. But, if you only know how it was done, then it can tell you a little about where not to look. For example, no passing tramp came in here with his disinfectant and removed all the clues. So, we're not going to shake down all the local tramps. If you know - where not to look that can tell you a little about *where* to look. Maybe.
- Abel Marsh: George, did you ever deliver to Miss Jenny Campbell. You know, the woman that...
- George: Oh, yeah! The woman the dog ate.
- Abel Marsh: The dog didn't eat that woman, George.
- George: Well, the paper said he did.
- Abel Marsh: The paper...
- George: Well, doberman pinchers are famous for it. They go around...
- Abel Marsh: Yeah, I know. They go around eating people, right? Yeah, you read it in the paper, it must be a fact. They're killers. Right, George?
- George: Right.
- Abel Marsh: Right.
- Abel Marsh: [hangs up the phone] I don't believe it. That was Phil Hamilton. His daughter Betsy's over in the hospital. She, um, she lost her nipple, her left one. Phil seems to think it was removed by a young man named James Tennett.
- Malcolm: [chuckles] How?
- Abel Marsh: Well, they were out riding in a car with another couple and, um, they were in the back seat, the car hit a bump and he bit it off. Phil wants me to arrest the young man.
- Malcolm: [laughing] What are you going to charge him with, Abel?
- Abel Marsh: What?
- Malcolm: [laughing hysterically] What about grand theft? There's an awful lot of that going around today. Wait a minute, maybe it was a second story job. And then you ask Phil, what did she bite first? It was tit for tat!
- Kate Bingham: How's the Campbell case coming?
- Abel Marsh: Well, fine. Just perfect. Perfect. We have a pregnant, 39-year old, DOA, caucasian lesbian. Any ideas?
- Kate Bingham: Pregnant lesbian? Isn't that a contradiction in terms?
- Abel Marsh: Well, city people. Who knows what they do, what they want.
- Abel Marsh: Divorced?
- Kate Bingham: [nods her head yes] What about you?
- Abel Marsh: I'm a faggot.
- Kate Bingham: Oh, come on.
- Abel Marsh: Have you seen the women in this town?
- Abel Marsh: What about your husband? What does he do?
- Kate Bingham: I don't know.
- Abel Marsh: You don't know?
- Kate Bingham: Maybe the fact I don't know what he does, tells you a little bit about where he is.
- Abel Marsh: Well, at least it tells me where he isn't.
- Lee Campbell: [Abel shows Lee a photo of two naked people walking on the beach] She liked to keep a record of all of her friends.
- Abel Marsh: Friends, huh? You mean she, obviously, liked to take pictures of people making love. Worse than this?
- Lee Campbell: Do you find people making love worse, Mr. Marsh?
- Abel Marsh: Mr. Campbell, you imply that she took these kind of pictures. That's what you say.
- Lee Campbell: The house is full of them.
- Abel Marsh: Well, it isn't any more. Do you like taking pictures? Is that what turns you on?
- Lee Campbell: My normalcy is not at stake.
- Kate Bingham: Listen, I'm a normal heterosexual, too.
- Abel Marsh: Your food'll get cold.
- Kate Bingham: Probably.
- Abel Marsh: Yeah, well, that dog will probably come right in here and eat it.
- Kate Bingham: I didn't mean *now*.
- Abel Marsh: But, I do.
- Kate Bingham: Well, I didn't.
- Abel Marsh: But, I did.
- Diana: Um, do you have a motel here with vibrator beds, Chief?
- Abel Marsh: I beg your pardon?
- Diana: You know, magic fingers.
- [starts gyrating]
- Diana: Where the whole bed - vibrates. You know, goes - up and down. You know, you put a quarter in the box.
- Capt. Daniel Streeter: Where was the - husband?
- Abel Marsh: He was with a 19-year old girl in West Sacramento.
- Capt. Daniel Streeter: Pretty sexy case.
- Abel Marsh: Whatever turns you on, old buddy.