Harvey Korman credited as playing...
Hedley Lamarr
- [Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
- Bart: Stampeding cattle.
- Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
- Bart: Through the Vatican?
- Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.
- Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.
- Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
- Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
- [Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
- Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
- Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
- Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.
- [Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his Black hands]
- Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?
- [licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]
- Jim: See, it's coming off.
- [Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
- Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.
- [runs off]
- Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
- Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
- Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
- Governor Lepetomane: What?
- Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
- Governor Lepetomane: It is?
- Hedley Lamarr: No, you *say* that, Governor.
- Governor Lepetomane: What?
- Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
- Governor Lepetomane: It is?
- Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, play around with this for awhile.
- Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy.
- Hedley Lamarr: No, it's Hedley!
- Governor Lepetomane: It is?
- Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.
- Hedley Lamarr: How?
- Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.
- Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.
- Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
- Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
- Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
- Applicant: I like rape.
- Governor Lepetomane: [pointing to a member of his cabinet] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!
- Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor harrumph!
- Politician: Harrumph!
- Governor Lepetomane: You watch your ass.
- Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
- Governor Lepetomane: Well put.
- Governor Lepetomane: Help me in with this. Help me in with this.
- [having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
- Hedley Lamarr: Just think of your secretary.
- [the pen goes straight in]
- Governor Lepetomane: There you go. That's a very good suggestion. Thank you.
- Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
- Taggart: Ditto.
- Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?
- Taggart: I'm sorry, sir.
- Hedley Lamarr: Plan, plan. I need a plan.
- Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
- Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Arson... armed robbery... mayhem...
- Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?
- Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.
- Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!
- Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!
- Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.
- Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!
- [Hedley shoots the gum chewer]
- Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!
- Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. Wait a minute... maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town.
- [looks into the camera]
- Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
- [pause]
- Hedley Lamarr: Why am I asking you?
- Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
- Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
- Governor Lepetomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.
- Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
- Men: I...
- Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
- Men: ...your name...
- Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
- [continues aloud]
- Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance...
- Men: ...pledge allegiance...
- Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
- Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
- Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*!
- Men: That's Hedley!
- Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil...
- Men: ...and to the evil...
- Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands.
- Men: ...for which he stands.
- Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that *you* do... *so well*...!
- [men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]
- Hedley Lamarr: If you will just sign this, Governor. Right here.
- Governor Lepetomane: Yes, yes. What the hell is it?
- Hedley Lamarr: Well, under the provisions of this bill, we would snatch two hundred thousand acres of Indian land, which we have deemed unsuitable for their use at this time. They're such children.
- Governor Lepetomane: Two hundred thousand acres? Two hundred thousand acres? What'll it cost, man, what'll it cost?
- Hedley Lamarr: [brings out a carton of paddleballs] A box of these.
- Governor Lepetomane: Are you crazy? They'll never go for it. And then again they might. Those little red devils... they love toys!
- Governor Lepetomane: What the hell is this?
- Hedley Lamarr: This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the William J. Le Petomane memorial gambling casino for the insane.
- Governor Lepetomane: [standing up proudly] Gentlemen, this bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment of the insane gambler.
- Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute... there might be legal precedent. Of course! Land-snatching!
- [grabs a law book]
- Hedley Lamarr: Land, land... "Land: see Snatch."
- [flips back several pages]
- Hedley Lamarr: Ah, Haley vs. United States. Haley: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!
- Taggart: [shouting] We'll head them off at the pass!
- Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché!
- [shoots his foot]