Peter Falk credited as playing...
Columbo
- Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
- Sergeant Hoffman: Yes, Lieutenant.
- Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
- Policeman: Yes, sir.
- Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
- Second Policeman: Yes, I am, sir.
- Paul Galesko: Witness to what?
- Sergeant Hoffman: You just incriminated yourself, sir.
- [while trying to find a witness at a homeless shelter, a nun mistakes Lt. Columbo for a homeless man]
- Sister: [looking at Columbo's raincoat in dismay] Oh, that coat! Tch, tch, tch! That coat, that coat, that coat...! Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room. Something maybe a bit warmer? What-what size are you? Do you know?
- Lt. Columbo: I think there's a misunderstanding.
- Sister: Oh, no, brother. No false pride between friends.
- [Lt. Columbo goes down to the evidence room to follow up on an idea]
- Captain Sampson: Columbo! Hey! What are you doing down here in the dungeon?
- Lt. Columbo: How ya doing, Captain. Well, I was just checking out a few things: the Galesko kidnapping.
- Captain Sampson: Galesko? I thought that case was closed.
- Lt. Columbo: Well, you know me, Captain. Just, uh, tying up some loose ends.
- Paul Galesko: [gesturing at Columbo's camera] Lieutenant, may I ask, what's the meaning of that?
- Lt. Columbo: You noticed. I'm sorry, sir, I tried to be inconspicuous.
- Paul Galesko: Well, you failed, miserably.
- Lt. Columbo: [prepares to leave] Well, I'll be running along, sir. Thank you very much for the time.
- Paul Galesko: It's all right.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh, there's one other thing, sir, uh... it's a bit of a problem...
- Paul Galesko: Lieutenant, that is not a good picture. The exposure's way too light, the framing is off, everything's way off center, the framing... It's not a good picture, Lieutenant.
- Lt. Columbo: You know, you're right.
- Captain Sampson: Columbo, why... why are you wasting your time with this?
- Lt. Columbo: Because it bothers me, and I couldn't sleep, and, uh, I kept thinking about it!
- Lt. Columbo: I know I've been a pest. I'm just trying to do my job. I won't bother you anymore.
- Paul Galesko: Oh, I hope you mean that, Lieutenant. For your sake and for mine.
- Lt. Columbo: [intrigued by a mirror image photo of the same woman] Maybe I'm nuts but, uh, this is the same photograph, isn't it?
- Camera store clerk: Yeah?
- Lt. Columbo: Well, I was lookin' at this thing before and, uh... Now in this picture her left arm is bent, but in this picture her right arm is bent. I mean, now she's got two bent arms.
- Camera store clerk: Well, you see, that's a reverse negative, Lieutenant. You see, what's originally on the right comes out on the left and what's on the left on the right.
- Lt. Columbo: You mean, I could have a picture where I'm on the right and my wife's on the left and we do this reversal and then I would be on the left and my wife would be on the right?
- Camera store clerk: Absolutely.
- Lt. Columbo: I'll be a monkey's uncle. You learn sum'pin' every day.
- Lt. Columbo: You see this newspaper? This is the same edition of the newspaper that the letters and words for the ransom note were cut out of. I'm trying to reconstruct that note.
- Paul Galesko: You need any help with your spelling, lieutenant?
- Lt. Columbo: I'll tell you what the problem is. We found this newspaper in the motel room. It was sprawled over a chair. It was left there, even though the maid said that she cleaned up the room.
- Paul Galesko: Yes, I told you. She probably lied.
- Lt. Columbo: That's the problem, sir. You see this terrible mess I'm making? There's just no way to cut up this paper and paste together this note without making a mess. I know. I tried it last night, my wife and I.
- Paul Galesko: Columbo, what's your point?
- Lt. Columbo: My point is this: if the maid forgot to clean up the room, then why didn't we find little bits and pieces of paper somewhere? You see the problem? If she did clean up the room, then everything gets thrown out. All the bits and pieces of paper gets thrown out and the newspaper gets out. If she doesn't clean up the room, then these scraps of paper, they have to be somewhere. You can see the contradiction.
- Paul Galesko: Lieutenant, did you want something?
- Lt. Columbo: Is there someplace, sir, that you and I could, uh, talk?
- Paul Galesko: [irritated] Columbo, you're becoming very annoying, do you know that?
- Lt. Columbo: I gotta get my dog to the vet.
- Paul Galesko: Oh! Is he sick?
- Lt. Columbo: No sir, he's in love... or he was in love. With the cocker spaniel next door. But the family moved away, and now the dog... he won't eat, he won't sleep. He just lays around. I can't look at him.
- Paul Galesko: Well, Lieutenant, I never owned a pet, so I wouldn't know how to advise you.
- Lt. Columbo: Uh huh, 's too bad. Uh... I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?
- Paul Galesko: A picture?
- Lt. Columbo: You know, I mean maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. Ya know, something he could look at. Kind of like a pin-up.
- Paul Galesko: No. Really.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh. Nah, that's a terrible idea. I mean, a dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. The dog would know it wasn't her. Ha! Forget I mentioned it.
- Paul Galesko: Yeah, I will, Lieutenant!
- Lt. Columbo: I gotta say, this stuff is not bad. What is this, beef stew?
- Thomas Dolan: That is the prevailing theory.
- [Paul Galesko enjoys a successful showing of his work with his assistant and his publisher]
- Ray: Ooh, ooh, ooh, and, and, uh, talking about books, that funny little man came by my office again yesterday.
- Paul Galesko: What man?
- Ray: Oh, you know, the uh, policeman.
- Paul Galesko: Bombarded you with questions, I suppose, huh?
- Ray: Oh, yeah. Yeah, but he bought one of your volumes, so it wasn't a complete waste of time, eh?
- Lorna McGrath: You know, he did take quite an interest in your work the other day.
- Ray: Mm-hm.
- Paul Galesko: [spots Columbo at a distance] And today as well.
- Lorna McGrath: Hm?
- Lt. Columbo: Mr. Galesko, sir!
- Ray: Ah, good afternoon, Lieutenant.
- Lt. Columbo: [to Paul] I've been looking all over for you, sir.
- Paul Galesko: [exasperated] You have.
- Lt. Columbo: Yes, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting...
- Lt. Columbo: Well, look, I won't hold you up any longer. I want to apologize again if I caused any disturbance.
- Paul Galesko: All right, Lieutenant.
- Lt. Columbo: Ah, one more thing, sir. I almost forgot. One more thing that I wanted to check on. Uh, probably not important... um...
- Lt. Columbo: [to Galesko's driver] Could you excuse us?