Peter Falk credited as playing...
Columbo
- Lady: Lieutenant Columbo. Are you with the Army?
- Lt. Columbo: Los Angeles Police Department.
- Lady: Oh. Have we done something?
- Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am. Not that I know of, no. I'm just here - I'm just part of an investigation.
- Lady: Well, of what? Are you with the Vice Squad? I don't remember having a good time.
- Lt. Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.
- Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That good, ain't it?
- Lt. Columbo: [pause] Hmm. Yeah, that explains it.
- Tommy Brown: Aren't you afraid, bein' up here alone with a killer?
- Lt. Columbo: No, sir. No, sir, I had a feeling that sooner or later...
- [switches on the car radio playing "I Saw the Light"]
- Lt. Columbo: Sooner or later you would have confessed, even if I hadn't caught you.
- Tommy Brown: Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant. I would've... 'cause it was gettin' to me and I'm glad it's over.
- Lt. Columbo: Listen, any man that can sing like that can't be all bad.
- Lt. Columbo: I'm not here to pry into your personal life.
- Tommy Brown: My personal life is an open book. Everybody knows I done time.
- Lt. Columbo: Yes, sir, but what you've done since you've gotten out, that's been an inspiration to a lot of people.
- Tommy Brown: Then what're you buggin' me for?
- Lt. Columbo: [Showing ID in a hushed tone] L.A.P.D., Lieutenant Columbo. I just didn't want to identify myself in front of the reporter.
- Roland Pangborn: Why not?
- Lt. Columbo: Well, it's like you're saying, it's better to be unofficial until you get the facts.
- Mr. Grindell: I'm a great admire of the police department, you know...
- Lt. Columbo: I didn't know but I'm always glad to hear that
- Mr. Grindell: Why shouldn't you hear of it? After all you men are so willing to give your life to save ours!
- Lt. Columbo: Well... Let's hope it doesn't come up too often.
- Mr. Grindell: Yes, yes, yes... But it does, doesn't it? Especially in these violent times, its um... Just this morning at the breakfast with my dear wife Martha, I glanced at the paper and I uh, I noted the rate of police mortality is just shocking, I mean, it just... well you must be aware of that.
- Lt. Columbo: Well, we don't like to think about it often...
- Mr. Grindell: But one should think of it, shouldn't one?
- Lt. Columbo: Well, it's just kind of thing you don't really do anything about till you have to.
- Mr. Grindell: But, if you need a funeral, you'd not be in the condition to do anything about it, you see...
- [both chuckle uncomfortably]
- Lt. Columbo: Right, I see what you mean...
- Lt. Columbo: You know what the problem is? You're a celebrity. Because of you, my boss, he won't let me close up this case until I covered everything. Every loose end's gotta be tied up. Hey, make you crazy. So that's the problem.
- Tommy Brown: That's a cryin' shame. It really is. Man with your talent, real killers loose out there, and they got you chasin' smoke.
- Lt. Columbo: Whadda ya gonna do? That's the job, right? You take the good with the bad.
- Roland Pangborn: You know something Lieutenant, I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh no. Thank you very much. You fellas... you have to fly.
- Roland Pangborn: Sure. We're all pilots.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh no. Not for me. Thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.
- Roland Pangborn: Why? We'd teach you.
- Lt. Columbo: I appreciate it, sir, but eh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.
- Lt. Columbo: You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it.
- Lt. Columbo: This is nylon, isn't it?
- Lady: [seamstress] Yes. I prefer cotton, but people today, even our own people, just don't want anything that requires care.