Cry, Onion

Spaghetti-westerns weren't just Sergio Leone and Clint Eastwood, friends; they weren't even just Terence Hill and Bud Spencer.

I saw this film years ago on the Caribbean SuperStation, a short-lived satellite channel from Aruba. I found it weird and fascinating, a spaghetti-western gone nuts; but I didn't catch the title. Afterward, all I could remember was that (a) the hero was named Onion, (b) Martin Balsam was a co-star, and (c) a child in the film spoke with an adult's voice. After some time, I began to wonder if I'd just ... imagined the film.

Now, thanks to the IMDb, I can rest assured that (a) I did indeed see this film, (b) it does exist outside my imagination, and (c) others have seen it, too.

I went in this movie with the expectation of a mediocre-mid-70s-Spagetti-Western. But what I found was a weird, little trashy western comedy with an absolut hilarious surrealism and absurdity. The juggling scene cracked me up like not much did in some time. If your looking for a silly but still lovely little movie that makes you cheer up and laugh this one will be a good choice.

Unbelievable! Where to start with this one? Well, let's start with the casting. You would think Enzo G. Castellari would have cast Terence Hill (or even Bud Spencer) in this slapstick western - after all, those are the two actors you usually think of in this particular vein. But action superstar FRANCO NERO?!? Not only that, giving him a Donald Sutherland perm? The English dubbers take it even further by giving Nero a voice that sounds like a senile Jimmy Stewart. Still, Nero is clearly game for such an atypical part, throwing himself into all the slapstick, and he's clearly having fun. He's fun to watch as a result, though what he gets to do is so goofball at times that part of you can't help but also laugh at the idea that Nero today may be regretting taking place in all this nonsense.

Actually, the bizarre casting of Nero is actually one of the saner parts of this movie. You won't believe what goes on here. A henchman in this western setting that looks and speaks like Hitler! Two kids (named Al Capone and Dutch Schultz!) who are dubbed with adult voices! A villain with a robotic hand! Nero eating onions like apples! A motorcycle gang! The death of one character shown in reverse! Speeded-up action scenes a la the Keystone Kops! And all done with what seems to have been a hefty budget!

Most people will hate this movie, simply calling it stupid. Well, maybe it is stupid. But personally I found it extremely entertaining because of its entirely bizarre nature. The movie never stops delivering wacky situations, each different from the other, and my attention was always held - I couldn't wait to see what new kind of insanity the movie would next pull out of its sleeves. If you like the antics of Terence Hill/Bud Spencer movies, and are accustomed to the unconventional tone many Italian mass-entertainment movies have, give it a look. Like it or hate it, you'll NEVER forget it!

I love Spaghetti Westerns, but am kind of weary of the more comedic ones as most, to be honest, are rubbish. This one stars Franco Nero as a man who travels in a carriage full of onions pulled by a farting horse, eating onions, juggling onions, drinking onion juice, and using them in fights. This film goes beyond stupid and because you've got Enzo Castellari behind the camera, you've got 100% effort. The might is extremely silly and full of slapstick though, so be warned.

I forgot to say that Nero's character is also called Onion, and he's just bought some land to plant onions from a guy who we've just seen being murdered by Romano Puppo and Massimo Vanni and another guy (the three bad guys Nero went up against in Castellari's Street Law). They work for the usual generic big business guy (Martin Balsam) who wants the land to prospect for oil. What's not generic is that Martin has a robotic hand that for some reason is maintained by Hitler!

Sterling Heyden is the local supressed newspaper guy with Emma Cohen as the daughter who falls in love with Nero (he even uses onion talk romantically). He also ends up looking after two young kids named Al Capone and Dutch Schultz. I'm guessing most people will have stopped reading the review by now, because how many do you know like this sort of stuff?

It is fun if you sit back and let the stupidity roll over you. There's a motorcycle gang, loads of stunts, and way too many Benny Hill style chases. Romano Puppo and Massimo Vanni have larger roles than usual as the bad guys. My eight year old kid thought the few minutes of it were funny, before he slipped away to continue playing his Xbox.

This B movie stands out among similar western comedies by the absurd, sometimes quite Pythonesque humour. Franco Nero would not be the first name that comes to mind for such a production (nor the second, or third), but he does very well as the Terrence Hill stand-in; his wide blue-eyed stare conveys both innocence and mischief, and he does fine in the slapstick sequences too. His "hero" role is complemented by a diverse bunch of side characters, not well-known but well-cast. The sets and camera-work are good, too. The music covers the complete gamut of italo-westerns and then a bit more, a little crazy like the whole movie. The pacing is quick, there's not a single boring moment in Cipolla Colt.

The only drawback to this otherwise nice comedy is the generic plot (an oil magnate trying to grab poor farmer's land); with action that absurd the movie would have deserved some crazier story, too. Apart from that, recommended for anyone not put off by absurd humour.