Sharon's Baby

This modest popcorn thriller from Britain boasts a solid performance from that fine actress and world-class beauty Joan Collins as a former stripper who marries Italian money and ends up on easy street, London style – or so she thinks. Unfortunately her firstborn turns out to be possessed by the spirit of a demonic nightclub clown whose advances she spurned shortly before her marriage. Even before the child is brought home from the hospital he has already drawn blood from an attack on his mother. The baby's diabolical screams are technically enhanced with reverb and echo effects, as are those of his victims. Toward the end there is a strong dream sequence in which Collins, under the influence of a sedative, makes her way through her house with space, time and the relationship of sounds to their source imaginatively distorted. Eileen Atkins plays, of all things, an Italian nun who also happens to be the leading lady's sister-in-law. She doesn't quite get the accent and in general seems ill-suited to the role. The English actor Ralph Bates as the Italian husband is equally out of place. Donald Pleasence does better in his supporting role as the doctor who attends to the troublesome infant as does Hilary Mason, so memorable as the blind psychic in "Don't Look Now," as the no-nonsense nanny. The actual baby looks ordinary and does nothing but smile or cry as all babies do, but through editing tricks and cleverly applied sound effects we believe he is indeed evil. Shot in vivid color and with an undertone of urban sleaziness, it's scary, sometimes silly and somewhat naughty fun.

Poor old Ralph Bates looks miserable in this movie and it's not hard to see why, it really stinks.

Joan Collins plays a stripper and proves she dances as well as she acts. It's really bizarre, I think it's supposed to be erotic but it looks like she is having some kind of slow-motion embolism. Correctly deciding that she isn't cut out for being a stripper she leaves to marry her Italian lover played with a comedy accent by long-suffering Ralph.

Before she goes though she gets cursed by a dwarf who she spurns. She promptly has a baby that has unusual powers. Oooer, spooky - you'd imagine they might give it demonic powers or something but no, it has sharp nails.

Time and time again we see actors stagger back from its cot screaming "it scratched me, with its sharp nails" - cue closeup to harmless baby without sharp finger nails.

This atrocious plot goes nowhere and throughout it all there's a soundtrack of a baby crying, for goodness sake. What were they thinking of? It's impossible to watch this movie without getting a blinding headache. It's almost worth it to hear Ralph Bates trying to be Italian though, it really is the worst accent I've ever heard in a movie.

Dreadful from start to finish and with a supporting cast that are just ludicrous thrown in for good measure. A final special mention to Caroline Monroe who plays her friend, her acting is so bad that I genuinely thought at first that her wild overacting and astonishingly funny dubbing was part of the plot and that she'd been possessed or something. You can see why they had to rename it about 50 times, I pity the person who was tricked into seeing this film twice.

How can you not love Joan Collins as the new mom of a baby boy possessed by the demonic spirit of a dancing dwarf? It's laugh out loud funny! I must add it to my collection of lovable, very bad horror movies. It's like Rosemary's Baby meets The Leprechaun.

Sex, scandal, strippers and more mix in this unintentionally funny horror flick that's an absolute must for people who treasure bad genre movies.

This one is in the vein of "Rosemary's Baby" and "It's Alive". Joan Collins plays Lucy Carlesi, a woman who comes to fear that her newborn is possessed. And she could be right: almost every person who comes into contact with this infant meets a horrible death.

You have to hand it to British actors: they can sell just about anything, and make this train wreck more entertaining than it has a right to be. Collins does a remarkably sincere job, and is well supported by Ralph Bates, as her husband Gino, Donald Pleasence, as Dr. Finch, Caroline Munro as her sister Mandy, Eileen Atkins, as her sister-in-law Albana, Hilary Mason, as the grumpy Mrs. Hyde, John Steiner, as sleazy Tommy Morris, and George Claydon, as malevolent dwarf Hercules. Although their performances are fine, the "accents" affected by Bates and Atkins - who are playing Italians - are downright hysterical. Just get a load of the way that Atkins says the word "devil".

The best moments in this thing have to be the kill scenes, which should inspire some pretty hearty chuckles. People get shoved into a river, decapitated with a shovel, and hung before this is over. There are some fleeting breast shots for voyeurs and a fairly decent dose of gore. The movie can boast *some* style, particularly in a nightmare sequence. The score by Ron Grainer is most amusing, sounding more like porno music than anything else.

Picked up by A.I.P. for distribution in North America, "I Don't Want to Be Born" is a real hoot and a half. It might not be "good", but it's fun schlock.

Five out of 10.

Well now, this really is a sad effort falling between the enviable status of an honest-to-god bad movie watchable for laughs and a passable horror flick. Joan Collins is an ex-stripper who is cursed by a horny dwalf (little people are in league with the devil presumably) and goes on to have a baby with her Italian husband. Now there are rare treats to be had in this film to give it its due. First of them is seeing Joan Collins performing an erotic dance at her strip club. I've never actually been to such a club and its fairly obvious to the viewer that Joan hasn't either. Her dance is so entirely unerotic and daft as to serve as a warning that what is to follow will be of the lowest possible quality. Of course no strip club is complete without a sweaty dwalf dressed as a jester or in a top hat. The dwalf in question rants about her having a baby by the devil and lo and behold she does have a freaky child. The only problem is that the baby shown is entirely normal looking. All devilish action happening off screen and then cutting back to the decidedly unmenacing kid. Rosemarys baby and The Omen both showed that kids can be quite scary. This film though decides not to give the child ungodly mental powers, or spiritual domination as its forte instead relying on it having immense physical strength. That's right, this little tyke will push you into lakes, scratch your face etc. All of this is incredibly silly to start with but cutting from Collins leaning into the crib to her with a scratch on her face doesn't exactly create fear. The means by which the baby inflicts its reign of chubby terror on the cast is daft, nonsensical and entirely unscary. Except perhaps for the workman who gets a mouse put in his cup of tea because that was about the only act of terror that the child could conceivably achieve on its own. Especially silly is the suggestion that it keeps clawing people, since its tiny fingers are shown several times and its quite clear it has normal little fingers with no claws just tiny baby fingernails. There are more treats though, especially for anyone who lives in London where it is set. The curiosity value of seeing police on the streets, working telephone boxes, parking spaces and other symbols of the past might just be enough to keep you watching. I was also fascinated by Joans non-acting friend who seems unable to utter a single line without gesturing wildly and adding "darling" to it. In the finale an exorcism is performed by the husbands sister who happens to be a penguin (nun) however she seems to have forgotten several ingredients. A book, bell, candle, feasible latin and a priest would surely have helped. Luckily this doesn't seem to be a problem, even Satan seems keen to be out of the film, and all ends well. Unfortunately you may be thinking that this is a watchable if naff horror film but I've neglected to mention the bits that will put any sane viewer off. A good portion of the film has the same loud sound effect of a baby screaming and crying through it, rendering it extremely irritating. I personally ended up with a thumping headache after forcing myself to watch it to the bitter end. Added to this every sound effect, especially telephones, make twice as much noise as they should causing you to constantly adjust the sound. To cap it all the title doesn't even make sense and has no relevance to the story presented. Unless seeing Joan Collins groped by a dwalf is high on your must-see list then this film offers nothing other than a headache and a laugh at some totally inept scripting and a nun with all the Italian authenticity of the Mario brothers.