Rattlers

What's this? A Harry H. Novak production that is rated PG? Yes Virginia, it's true. This movie is much less exploitive and explicit than other Novak productions. There's only a little blood, and the one scene of nudity comes from a brief look at a skin magazine one character is reading. While I can understand why Novak tried for something more respectable - it's often a lot easier to gather an audience for a PG movie than an R - he forgot to make the movie interesting. The main problem with the movie is that it's very boring. There's far too much chat and not enough action. And the action and horror that's in the movie comes across as quite flat. I'd never thought I'd find a Harry H. Novak movie that was boring, but that's what we have here.

This movie begins with two kids climbing up the walls of a canyon and falling into a rattlesnake pit. Because they are so disfigured by the repeated snake bites the local sheriff calls in an expert by the name of "Dr. Tom Parkinson" (Sam Chew Jr.) who works at a nearby college. Although puzzled by the numerous bites he doesn't really offer much help until other cases begin to emerge. After that he and a female photographer named "Ann Bradley" (Elizabeth Chauvet) are led by their investigation to a top-secret army compound which seems to be in the in the middle of all of the incidents. Now, rather than reveal any more of the movie and risk spoiling it for those who haven't seen it I will just say that this wasn't terribly bad as far as films of this nature are concerned. Personally, I didn't think the acting was too bad considering the awful script and some of the ridiculous scenarios the actors were given. That said, although I typically enjoy movies of this type I thought this particular film wasn't nearly as good as it could have been and I have rated it accordingly.

When Sam Chew (*gesundheit!*) Jr is the star of your movie, you can pretty much tell you are in for a painful viewing experience. Although I must admit, Sam does steal the spotlight in Being from Another Planet a.k.a. Time Walker in the climactic scene where you really have to hand it to him (OUCH, that stings!).

This 70s romp takes place mostly in the desert and even more so in poorly lit, almost pitch black scenes - a staple grade for any B movie. There's stock footage, helicopter POV shots, and no acting required. The manic colonel played by Dan Priest provides more ham than a Subway $5 special. For the Wooden Plank award, I was going to give it to the Dan Balentine as the pilot, but this honor goes solely to Elisabeth Chauvet who provided me with plenty of migraine inducement. Still, she does provide visual enrichment and I'm sure Sam didn't mind pitching a tent with her (literally!). As for the rest of the movie, the rattlers and snakes shine as the real stars here. I clapped and applauded as vicious snakebites helped in thinning the herd. They also provided for much of the fun. Think of Rattlers as one of those nature documentary specials...except not very good.

I had the pleasure of seeing this film at the Mayo Center for the Performing Arts in Morristown, NJ presented by Cinematic Titanic. Having been a huge fan of these guys, it was a surrealfully hilarious pleasure seeing them perform live. Never before have my temples and neck muscles ached from loud out laughing as they played to packed house. The Titans are highly recommended!

Now, we know who put those snakes on the plane.

Two kids are killed after falling into a den of rattlers, and the sheriff immediately calls in a snake expert (Sam Chew Jr.). They fell in a rattler den, for goodness sakes! Some good snake scenes, sch as the rattler crawling up the plumber's (Tip McClure) pants, and some ridiculous ones, like the mom (Jo Jordan) in the bathtub getting attacked and not standing up so we could see her.

As you would expect the dialog was terrible, and some scenes ridiculous, like the mine shaft explosions. Someone called it the "Plan Nine From Outer Space" of snake movies. I could not say it better.

Okay, I'm exaggerating when I call this a classic, but I like these '70s revenge-of-nature films. I remember seeing the trailers for films like "Rattlers" and "Grizzly" and "Empire of the Ants" on TV when I was a kid. But would my parents ever let me attend these gems? Heavens no! So now I'm making up for lost time as an adult, rediscovering these terrible films from my youth. In many ways these films are like a time machine to another era--an era with bad clothing, terrible dialogue, cool cars, and in-your-face feminism, buster! While you can't really destroy the plot of "Rattlers" (rattlesnakes attack people, duh!), I would urge you to watch the film for the "performance" of the main female lead. You haven't seen cardboard until you've seen her. Wow. Awesome.