Danny DeVito credited as playing...
Louie De Palma • Self
- [Latka pays Louie a coin]
- Louie De Palma: What's this?
- Latka Gravas: It's a kebble.
- Louie De Palma: What's a kebble?
- Latka Gravas: 110 kebble make a lithnitch.
- Louie De Palma: What's a lithnich?
- Latka Gravas: 270 lithnich make a matta.
- Louie De Palma: What's a matta?
- Latka Gravas: I don't know, what's the matter with you?
- Louie De Palma: Ignatowski! Where have you been all week?
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: I don't work weekends.
- Louie De Palma: You been gone nine days!
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Yeah...
- Tony Banta: Jim, weekends are only two days.
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.
- Louie De Palma: Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo?
- Alex Rieger: Yeah, two million years of evolution.
- Louie De Palma: Hey, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your face, you sneeze, and your head explodes.
- Monica Banta: You must be Louie.
- Louie De Palma: How did you know my name?
- Monica Banta: I only had three people described to me. One was smart, one was good-looking, and one was you.
- Louie De Palma: Jim, your father is no longer with us.
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: He never was. He lives in Boston.
- Louie De Palma: No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
- "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski: A condo in Palm Beach?
- Louie De Palma: Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him!
- Louie De Palma: He'll be back... they all come back... the only one who never came back was James Caan... and I'm still waitin'!
- Louie De Palma: Mr. Rieger isn't here right now. Would you like to wait in my office?
- Charlotte Reiger: I'd rather be the only woman on a Greek freighter!
- Louie De Palma: What're you listening to, Banta?
- Tony Banta: I can be here if I want to.
- Louie De Palma: No, you can't.
- Tony Banta: This is America, Louie.
- Louie De Palma: No, it isn't.
- Tony Banta: It isn't?
- Louie De Palma: No! This is Louieland. You want America, go outside!
- Elaine Nardo: [Louie has just admitted his mother needs an operation] What's wrong with her?
- Louie De Palma: Female problems, she's starting not to look like one.
- [to Bobby after finding out he made a bet over whether or not he would change his ways and hanging him on a hook]
- Louie De Palma: You scum! You lowlife! You creep! I'm gonna make you regret the day you were born! I'm gonna make sure that every night, you get the dirtiest, smelliest cab in the garage, and if there isn't one that's dirty and smelly, then I'm gonna get in and smelly and dirty it up myself! In the wintertime, your cab will have no heater! In the summertime, your windows won't roll down! I'm gonna make you the second most miserable cab driver in all of New York City!
- [Walks towards his office, but briefly stops]
- Louie De Palma: The MOST miserable cab driver in all of New York City is whoever lets him down or feeds him!
- Zena Sherman: You got an attitude problem, you got a personality problem, you got a sensitivity problem, you got an emotional problem, you got a maturity problem, you got a sexual problem...
- Louie De Palma: What do you mean?
- Zena Sherman: That's all you think about!
- Louie De Palma: And that's the problem?
- Zena Sherman: Yeah.
- Louie De Palma: Whew!