Adventures of a Plumber's Mate

More than adequate soft core pornography with some comedy asides squeezed in and an uninteresting plot of a guy in debt to the mob.

That's really it. The main guy is basically likeable.

Concept: Concoct a vile, decrepit story that everyone hates and thinks dire. Make a film called 'Plumber's Mate' out of it, and cram it so full of recognisable, popular names off the tv, that an audience will forgive and forget how atrocious it is.

You can see the flaw straight away.

'Plumber's Mate' (arf!) is so bad. Said tv stalwarts - Lewis, Mullard, Biggins, Rushton - trying to force their bits to be funny is cruel.

What Elaine Paige is doing here (she later tried desperately to pretend she wasn't) is a poser all on it's own.

Sid South (!), an interminably fick Jack-the-lad type, has japes with nightie-clad housewives on his plumbing round.

Anyway, enough of the plot .. In fact, enough of the review! There isn't one good thing about 'Plumber's Mate'. Acting, script, sets, cinematography, music all stink. And it's as funny as spina bifida.

For extra depression, take a look at the INCREDIBLE cast of it's almost-as-horrid predecessor ..

As you might guess from the title, this movie is about the adventures of a plumber's assistant. In real life it's not exactly a profession where you'd expect a lot of hot sex action, but, of course, it is in movies like this. Aside from the vaguely sexy, plumbing-related hijinks though, there's a genuine plot where our hero "Sid South" (Christopher Neil)owes serious gambling debts to a pair of hulking loan sharks, and gets mixed up with a recently-paroled convict (after he fixes the, um, plumbing of the man's wife)in trying to retrieve a golden toilet seat (or rather a toilet seat with stolen gold concealed in it). There's nothing wrong, of course, with a sex comedy having a plot per se, but this unfortunately is not a very funny one.

These "Adventures of" films are naturally a cheap knock-off of the then-popular "Confessions of" series of sex comedies with Robin Askwith. The whole series is a couple steps down from the genuinely entertaining "Confessions of" series, but this film is also another step or two down from the first film in the series "Adventures of a Taxi Driver". It's a conceit in these films that blue-collar slobs somehow get more sex action than rock stars. The problem is that Neil often acts like a whiny, spoiled rock star and quickly loses the every-man sympathy of the audience. In the opening scene, for instance, he wakes up in his grungy, vermin-infested flat with a pretty nice-looking girl (evidently a one-night stand), who unaccountably considers him to be some kind of catch. But he kicks her to the curb like he's Rod Stewart (actually he leaves her bare-assed naked on the curb after his motorbike rips her dress off).

Neil has zero charisma in his role, but most of the female characters don't really have roles at all. They're all pretty cute, but they put in little more than undraped cameos. Suzy Mandel, for instance, was such an appealing actress that she sometimes appeared on the posters of movies she wasn't even in (like the French film "Pussy Talk"). Later, she went to the US and ended up in a big-budget XXX film,but they actually let her use a body double for the XXX scenes. Anyway, she's pretty much wasted as one of a quartet of "tennis girls" who catch the protagonist after he decides to use the ladies' shower for no real reason while on a job (in real-life he'd probably be reported as a sex pervert, but of course that's not what happens here. . .). The only characters I liked were the male character actors like the two loan sharks and "Sid's" boss. Their lower-class Brit accents were often virtually unintelligible, but they were at least funny.

The third and last of director Stanley Long's 'Adventures of...' sex comedies, Plumber's Mate sees Christopher Neil once again taking the lead, this time as opportunistic, randy, Jack-the-lad Sidney South, who, up to his neck in debt and facing a severe pummelling, takes on a series of illegal jobs to try and earn some much needed readies. Meanwhile, a gangster and his crony want a word with Sid about a missing toilet seat that is far more valuable than it seems...

Another attempt by Long to emulate the success of the popular Confessions series, Plumber's mate misses the mark thanks to a lack of decent laughs and a central character who is nowhere near as lovable as Robin Askwith's hapless chump Timmy Lea: as amiable as he may seem, Sid is still a gambler, a misogynistic love-rat, and a petty criminal, willing to flout serious laws in order to save his own bacon. It's hard to side with such a no-hoper, or to find his desperate antics all that hilarious.

That said, while nowhere near as funny or as good-natured as the convivial Confessions films, Plumber's Mate still manages to be mildly diverting nonsense thanks to its endless stream of full-on nudity from a bevy of beauties, and a fun supporting cast that features many faces that will be all too familiar to fans of 70s British TV (Stephen 'Blakey' Lewis, Willie Rushton, Elaine Paige, Arthur Mullard, and Christopher Biggins, to name but a few).

4.5/10, rounded up to 5 for IMDb.

What an awful piece of work this is. Depressing, grim and dull. The lead actor has zero charisma. Thoroughly unlikeable individual. And was wife beating really a topic for a "comedy" back then ? I get that seeing young women with no clothes on was the attraction back then for most of the audience in the pre dvd/internet days, but even that aspect was dull. Dreadful.