Walter Matthau credited as playing...
Marvin Michaels
- Marvin Michaels: Do you know who that is?
- Millie Michaels: Yes, it's our hooker. Do you think I would ride with strangers?
- Millie Michaels: How much would you say she is, Marvin? Does she look like a fifty dollar hooker to you?
- Marvin Michaels: I don't know... I guess so...
- Millie Michaels: What a cheap brother you've got. We spend a HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE on his lousy kid!
- [Marvin is in town for his nephew's bar mitzvah. His brother has set him up with a hooker, who is in his bed, unconscious, when Marvin's wife, Millie, arrives. Marvin tries desperately to keep her from seeing the hooker, but finally gives in to the inevitable]
- Marvin Michaels: Millie... I want you to turn around. But please - no matter what you see - don't say anything for ten seconds.
- [Millie turns. She sees the unconscious hooker]
- Millie Michaels: One... two... I'm praying, Marvin. I'm praying very hard the maid came in here to do your room, got dizzy, and fainted from overwork. I'm praying to God the maids in this hotel wear pajamas.
- Marvin Michaels: Harry! You got so bald! How did you get so bald?
- Harry Michaels: You don't see your brother in five years, that's all you got to say?
- Marvin Michaels: I didn't even know it was you. You got so bald!
- Marvin Michaels: How come your so preoccupied with: sex, sex, sex? I thought all that jogging, you'd forget about sex.
- Harry Michaels: You know something better?
- Marvin Michaels: You're still the same: girls, girls, girls. You fall apart every time you see a tuchus.
- Marvin Michaels: Millie, I'll never do anything again to hurt you, as long as I live. You're the most special woman in the world to me, Millie, and I love you. I love you, Millie!
- [embraces Millie]
- Millie Michaels: Please, not in front of the hooker.
- Millie Michaels: I've never seen you so sex-crazed in the morning.
- Marvin Michaels: I didn't realize it was the morning.
- Harry Michaels: Look at that beauty! They fall out of the trees here like oranges.
- Marvin Michaels: Lucky thing I didn't move out here. I'd be bald, like you.
- Marvin Michaels: I've missed you. Let's go to the living room. God, I've missed you! Let's make love in the living room.
- Millie Michaels: You've missed me? You've only been away one night?
- Marvin Michaels: I know; but, there's a three hour time difference.
- Marvin Michaels: My God, I've never seen you look so pretty! Come here, you cute little thing.
- Millie Michaels: Oh, Marvin, don't be ridiculous. There's not even a bed in here.
- Marvin Michaels: Oh. Oh, well, they have terrific carpeting. Come on. We tried pot last year. Let's try carpeting this year.
- Millie Michaels: You know what my guess is? My guess is that that's a woman in your bed.
- Marvin Michaels: That's my guess to, Millie.
- Millie Michaels: What woman? You can tell me in court.