Peter Sellers credited as playing...
Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [Dreyfus shoots a gun at Clouseau a couple times] It's me!
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: I know!
- [Dreyfus laughs and starts shooting again]
- Cato: Please, boss! I thought you were dead!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: So as a tribute to my memory, you open this - this Chinese nookie factory?
- Cato: I had to do something to keep busy. Besides, a first-rate joint like this can make as much as three-four hundred thousand a year!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Is that net?
- [Philippe Douvier just set up a trap for Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau and invited him to it with a phone call]
- Simone Le Gree: That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
- Philippe Douvier: Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.
- Cato: It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!
- Cato: What good will that do?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?
- Simone Le Gree: Now why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Elementary. He wanted you dead.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Special delivery - a bomb
- [pronounced "beumb"]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Were you expecting one? A beaum?
- [Inspector Clouseau, disguised as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, explains why he can't give a tip to the postman]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I'm a little short.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: You have the right to remain silent, but let me tell you this, I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.
- Cato: That's normal.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeed.
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Clouseau?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes?
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: Are you wounded?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.
- Chief Insp. Dreyfus: So what we need is more light.
- Sgt. François Chevalier: Why don't you get out of those wet clothes? You could catch pneumonia.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Yes, I know that. I know that. I will do as soon as I get home, provided that idiot Cato does not attack me first.
- Sgt. François Chevalier: Why don't you just tell him not to?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Believe me, it's not that easy. I have given him instructions to attack me wherever and whenever possible, and it has now become a matter of pride with him to try to outsmart me. I guarantee that at this very minute, his fiendish little yellow brain is plotting some new ambush.
- [Clouseau is disguised as a salty Swedish sea dog and finds out about Le Club Foot from French informant Fernet. He starts walking away, singing a well-known pirate song wrong]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Ooohhh, sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hooooooooooooooooooooo!
- [dressed as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, and singing]
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Thank heaven for the little girls. They keep getting smaller every day.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: [after Dreyfus faints when seeing Clouseau] Now I know why this place looks so familiar.
- Simone Legree: Why?
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.
- Chief Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Who were those two men have tried to kill you last night?
- Simone Legree: Killers.