Alien 2: On Earth

A lot has been written and said about Alien 2. The unauthorized follow up of Alien. I watched it years ago and just could remember the falling head attacked by an alien. So I watched it again. But my only concern was to catch the uncut version, English language. A lot has been said about the running time too. I have seen versions that goes up to 100 minutes, here on IMDb and other sites they say 92 minutes but when you catch a seller of Alien 2 it's always 82 minutes long. So I did catch me the 82 full uncut version as said on the cover. The full uncut should contain the falling head, the exploding head and the head sucking. There is also a nudity scene taking place, my copy was intact. All I can tell is that it is a slow starter. A lot of blah blah and a lot of bowling scenes. When they finally descent the gore starts. But again in a slow way. Everybody hates this movie, strange, it is also one of the most searched OOP's due to the falling head. I have seen worser but don't expect a follow up of the original Alien, the budget is way to low for that. So it goes on and on, all those horrorgeeks will once in their live being caught by this flick. As said on the end credits, you could be next...

HOW did Kevin M Gates, who wrote the opening critique here NOT win the Pulitzer Prize in 1999 for his "essay" on this eminently forgettable ALIEN rip-off. How did he WRITE so many words I want to know? How long does it take to scribble "puerile rubbish?" And yet...he's right the flick is so bad its almost fascinating.

Here in Australia, I bought a BETA copy of this flick in 1986. It still plays unfortunately! (on the only one of five BETA machines we have that still work) Here, it was simply titled ALIEN 2 and long before the IMdb came into existence I used to win a fortune from friends betting them that there WAS a film called ALIEN 2. After I'd scooped the cash up, I'd play the flick and laugh in their faces!

Cute touch that....."Directed by Sam Cromwell" sounds major league Hollywood. Cromwell it turns out is Ciro Ippolito...just a few rungs below Ridley Scott!

Anyway, I digress. Read Kevin Gates' plot summary and you'll have some idea (not much) what to expect. As he says, the special effects consist of whatever offal was left at the abattoir the day they were filming. Ah, Belinda Mayne, still I dream of you!

The first hour of this film is so painfully slow that it took me over 10 years to finish it. I'm not kidding. I've had this on VHS since the mid-90s and every time I tried to watch it, I would give up. 1980 was a banner year for Italians doing ripoffs as the film world received ZOMBI 2 (aka ZOMBIE) and this "sequel" to ALIEN. Of course, the Italians wisely set it on earth, something the ALIEN series has been trying to do for almost 30 years now.

Three astronauts return to earth in a space capsule, but are all mysteriously missing when the device is recovered at sea. For some reason, this doesn't sit well with psychic Thelma (Belinda Mayne) but it doesn't prevent her from going spelunking with her friends. Along the way to the caves, Burt (Michele Soavi) picks up a curious looking rock which is actually an alien lifeform that spread over the desert upon the astronauts' re-entry. The group heads into the caves and, before you can scream THE DESCENT, find themselves getting bloodied up by our rock monster.

The last half hour or so is decent when the space monster finally attacks. Director Ciro Ippolito is someone whose work I am unfamiliar with. He certainly throws the gore around in parts but I can only imagine what a seasoned Italian exploiter would have done with this in the first hour. For some reason, Ippolito is intent on trying to make a bowling alley the scariest place on earth in the finale. He fails. The film does end on a grim note and the scenes of the lead actress running around a deserted San Diego, CA are pretty effective. The film concludes with the on screen line "...you may be next!" Gutterball.

If you have ever wanted to visit Italy's incredible Castellana Grotto, here is your chance to see the caverns. This gorgeous cave was discovered January 23, 1938, by Franco Anelli and Vito Matarrese. The photography of the Grotto is spectacular. Unfortunately the movie "Alien 2" is not so spectacular. It opens with stock astronaut splash down film footage, moves on to a bowling alley, then a beach, and finally the cave. Blue rocks that somehow turn into sock puppets are the "Aliens" that attack the group of spelunkers. Like I said, if you want to see the caverns, this is your movie. Simply ignore the ridiculous, boring story. - MERK

I've done my best to track down the worst "King Kong" rip-offs in the world, now I'm doing the same for "Alien". And some of the copycat offenders of this one are awful. But the good news is - this one's not bad.

After a brief intro about the return to earth of a spaceship where all the astronauts were dead and/or hideously mutilated (or something), the main action of the film gets going with a group of people exploring an underground cave. Among them are people involved with the investigation of the spaceship, including a (slightly) psychic woman who senses the presence of...something.

The reason the film entertains is because of the well made scenes set in the cave. We follow the cavers through lots of perilous exploration, which starts off with the usual terrors of ropes snapping, long falls, dead end tunnels, etc, but soon starts to move into "Alien"-type territory as an unseen menace starts chomping on the cast! Scenes are well shot and there is some tension in the scenes all the while it is not clear what is actually going on. There's also some surprising gore as the characters die in bizarre ways. My only disappointment was that the extreme darkness of some scenes obscure a lot of what is going on, but generally the darkness works in the film's favour.

Bizarrely, the film does eventually leave the confines of the caves, but in a baffling change of location, the climactic scenes are filmed in...a bowling alley (?)! I can only assume that it is very likely that the bowling alley was known to the film makers and they got a very good deal for filming there - apart from that there is no possible logic behind the choice - it's really not a scary place at all! Things that work are: The acting - even with English dubbing, the performances seem quite good. The music - a cheesy "BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM synth score amused me greatly. The ending - which is as unexpected as it is unexplained, and finally the monsters: it's a case of less is more here, so don't expect to see any big rubbery creations.

Made on the cheap I presume, but a lot of the low budget is covered up by keeping the project quite modest. It's definitely better than "Galaxy of Terror". I'm please to say I own the UK pre-cert video which has a really nice sharp picture and is reportedly uncut. A modest DVD release would be nice...