Steve Martin: Navin • Cat Juggler

The Jerk

Navin • Cat Juggler

Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson: The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.

[Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps]
Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?

[first lines]
Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...

[in bed]
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
[pause]
Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.

Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."

Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

Navin R. Johnson: First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

New Accounts Bank Manager: I will need two pieces of identification.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.

[Marie, back at Navin's trailer...]
Navin R. Johnson: Can I ask you a personal question?
Marie: What is it?
Navin R. Johnson: Now be totally honest: you do have a boyfriend, don't you?
Marie: Kind of...
Navin R. Johnson: I know this is our first date but... do you think, the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?
Marie: Well, I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson: That's too bad... Do you think it's possible that someday, you could make love with me and think of him?
Marie: Who knows, maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin R. Johnson: I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.

Navin R. Johnson: Are you a model?
Marie: No. I'm a cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable. That's impressive. Must be tough handling the weightlessness.

[Navin receives some farewell advice]
Mother: And remember: the Lord loves a working man.
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a working man.
Father: And Son: don't never ever trust whitey.
Navin R. Johnson: Don't trust whitey. Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey.
Mother: And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for...
Navin R. Johnson: I will, Ma... I know it's out there.
Taj Jonson: It's out there alright. And if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin R. Johnson: See a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj Jonson: Good luck.
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.

Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.

Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[the Sniper points to Navin's name in the phone book]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.

Navin R. Johnson: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

Navin R. Johnson: The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube: Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what do I win?
Navin R. Johnson: Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.