George Hamilton credited as playing...
Count Dracula
- [first lines]
- Count Dracula: [cacophony of wolves howling broke out] Shh! Children of the night, shut up!
- Cindy Sondheim: We can go to bed, maybe get in a little quickie.
- Count Dracula: No. With you, never a quickie. Always a longie.
- Count Dracula: Did you have a nice day, my beauty?
- Cindy Sondheim: Well, Rene ran my ass off all day. I mean, he may be the best photographer in New York City, but he's still a bitch.
- Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: Now, now, darling. They have a right to their life.
- Cindy Sondheim: Yes, I know, Jeffrey. They love in their way, we love in ours, who's to say which is right, by the 21st century, homosexuality will probably be the normal lifestyle.
- Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: Excellent.
- [Rosenberg approaches Dracula in a restaurant]
- Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: The second way to kill a vampire, Count; three silver bullets through the heart!
- Cindy Soundheim: Jeffrey!
- [Jeff shoots Dracula three times]
- Count Dracula: No, Rosenberg, that is a werewolf
- Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: A werewolf? Really? Are you sure?
- [Guards start to take him away]
- Doctor Jeff Rosenberg: [to the guards] No harm done! The man's all right! This was for a werewolf! No problem! Calm down! Take it easy! I'm a doctor! I know where I'm going!
- Alexei Rugalov: You dirty bat! You bit my mother!
- Count Dracula: What is your name?
- Rugalov: Alexei. Rugalov.
- Count Dracula: No, Alexei. I bit your mother, *and* your grandmother.
- Count Dracula: [reading an American phrase book in his coffin on the plane] "American Slang. Putting on the ritz: Getting dressed up. Flapper: A girl." "Hotsy-totsy." "Boop-boop-a-doo?" "Red-hot mama?" "23-skidoo?" What is this?
- [flips to inside front cover]
- Count Dracula: Copyright 1926? Renfield, you bungling moron, this book is as out of date as... I am.
- Count Dracula: [calling on a blood bank] We've come to make a withdrawal. We have a very sick man in the car. He needs blood, desperately.
- Bloodbank Guard: That's a hearse!
- Count Dracula: So maybe we're a bit late.
- Count Dracula: You were born in the wrong time, Cindy Sondheim. In the other age things were simpler, less complicated. Do you know how many women had nervous breakdowns in the fourteenth century?
- Cindy Sondheim: No.
- Count Dracula: Three.
- Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: [triumphantly] Well, Count, what do you say to that?
- [Pulls out a Star of David]
- Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: [Dracula hides his face, then realizes what it is and removes his hands]
- Count Dracula: I would say, leave Cindy alone and find yourself a nice Jewish girl, Doctor!
- Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Huh?
- [looks at star]
- Dr. Jeffrey Rosenberg: Ah shit! It's the other one, isn't it?
- Renfield: I thought you were having fun.
- Count Dracula: Fun? How would you like to go around looking like a head waiter for 700 years?
- Count Dracula: Do you think of me as special?
- Cindy Sondheim: Yes, of course.
- Count Dracula: So how can you think of yourself as nothing, when I love you?
- Commissare Woman: You and your cockroach-eating friend over there... have 48 hours to get out! Good evening, Comrade Count.
- Count Dracula: Wait one minute! This is my home. My people cleared the land. We tortured innocent peasants for it. We even murdered for it. By Romanian law, that makes it ours.
- Count Dracula: [after biting a wino] What was that maniac drinking? Tastes like the Volga river at low tide!
- Commissare Woman: Either you spend the rest of your life in an efficiency apartment with seven dissidents and one toilet, or you gather your aristocratic shit together and split!
- [storms out]
- Count Dracula: Renfield.
- Renfield: Yes, master.
- Count Dracula: What is an efficiency apartment?
- Renfield: I don't know, master. What's a toilet?
- Renfield: I think they're from the government.
- Count Dracula: How do you know?
- Renfield: They're wearing shoes.
- Count Dracula: We're going to make a hoist.
- Renfield: Heist!
- Count Dracula: [frustrated] Heist! Heist, heist.