Mick Ford credited as playing...
Archer
- Archer: You know when I was in the Scrubs, sweating it out in that filthy cell, I had this matchbox. And it said on this matchbox that it takes 60 muscles to frown but only 13 to smile, so why waste energy? You see, I'm doing me time in a matchbox.
- [Carlin walks into the lounge, takes three snooker balls from the snooker table and puts them in an extra sock. The two people playing snooker look confused]
- Carlin: Carry on.
- [Carlin continues moving and stands at a corner. Richards is kicking Woods]
- Woods: [to Richards] Ah! Leave it out, Stripey! I ain't hurting you!
- Richards: You're in my bleedin' way!
- Archer: Oi!
- Woods: It's all right, Ben.
- Richards: What's up with you, weirdo? You want stripin' do ya? You might get left alone 'ere, but I'll cut you to bleedin' ribbons if I get any of yer poxy lip 'ere!
- [Carlin whacks Richards with the sock containing the snooker balls. Eckersley tries to report this to Mr Sands but Carlins orders him not to]
- Carlin: Back, grass! I said, get back, shit head.
- [Eckersley backs off, Carlin kicks Richards and returns the snooker balls]
- Carlin: Yeah, well, carry on.
- Archer: I am older than most of the trainees here.
- Matron: [Updating the documents of a trainee] Yes.
- Archer: The books available in the library, they're either trash westerns or hack adventure stories. Now, I can't read that muck. See. I don't know whether I'm supposed to be Roy Rogers or Nanook of the North. My needs are... different.
- Matron: The library caters for all trainees here, not single individuals.
- Archer: Besides censoring our mail, you also veto what books are allowed to be sent in to us?
- Matron: I do.
- Archer: Then why haven't I been allowed the two Dostoyevsky novels you received for me?
- Matron: They're safely locked away. You'll have them when you're released.
- Archer: I shan't need them then.
- Matron: [Matron reminds Archer to address her by her title] Matron.
- Archer: Have you read them? They are classics.
- Matron: Archer, read them or not. Crime and Punishment and The Idiot are hardly suitable reading matter for a young boy in this establishment.
- Archer: [In a mocking tone] Boy?
- Matron: Trainee.
- [Matron stands up to place the document she was working on to a filing cabinet]
- Matron: You're feet are disgusting Archer. You're impudent and foolish. I know of vegetarians who don't eat meat, but that doesn't stop them from wearing shoes.
- Archer: Can't be very sincere people then, can they, Matron?
- [Matron returns to her desk]
- Matron: Is that all?
- Archer: Yeah. Well, I think it's all going to be resolved soon anyway. The feet, I mean. And the diet. Yeah, I'm thinking of being a Sikh.
- Matron: The governor might have something to say about that.
- Archer: Matron, do you know what I used to do with my girlfriend?
- Matron: Are you being insolent, Archer?
- Archer: Hold hands. We used to hold hands.
- Matron: Is that all you wish to discuss, Archer? I have work to do.
- Archer: [Heading his way to the door] Yes, I think so. Yes. I keep getting through the days somehow. You know, Matron, when I was last in the block, seven days solitary down there... madam. After much insistence, they gave me, besides the belting, my right to a book. It was the bible.
- Matron: Good, you'll come to no harm with that.
- Archer: It was printed in Yugoslavian and there didn't happen to be an interpreter in the cell.
- Matron: Well, that goes to show, Archer, that Christianity is universal.
- Archer: Make the report, Matron.
- [after Eckersley framed Davis for 'stealing' his radio, Carlin gives Davis some advice when speaking to the governor]
- Carlin: Look, just tell the governor he lent it to you and you're weighed off. You're going to get time in the block this time, mate. It's just a matter of how long. So whatever you do, don't antagonise the old bastard.
- Davis: Yeah, it's not looking fair, though, is it?
- Carlin: Here, are you listening to this, Archer?
- Archer: Yeah, but I don't know what it means.
- Carlin: [to Archer] Bleedin' fair!
- Carlin: [to Davis] Did you do time in the block at Butlin's Borstal?
- Davis: No, I didn't.
- Carlin: Well, you're gonna get it here, mate, and so am I. You just keep your mouth shut and sit through it. If you cause trouble, they'll belt the shit out ya, and you don't seem like the sort of bloke who's gonna stand a lot of their bastard handouts.
- Archer: Watch Tasty Reg down there. He's a winner. A fully pledged humanitarian with a BA in hatred.
- Duke: I was happier in prison. Now I've gotta finish MY time with a bunch of snotty young hooligans.. two years of this lot before I retire.
- Archer: How long you done?
- Duke: A long time.
- Archer: That's a hefty sentence, Mr Duke. One way or another, in prisons.
- Duke: Public service, Archer... haven't you realised that some of the lads actually LIKE being in here?
- Archer: Uh, yeah, it's called institutionalised.
- Duke: They're secure.
- Archer: Ah well, in here you act, you're punished and you're free.. but outside, out there, you act, you get punished by your own guilt complexes and you're never free.
- Duke: And what little book did you get that from?
- Archer: his one. Certainly not from what's on offer here... Mr Duke, I er... I don't wish to underestimate your lifetime's work, but, er.. the punitive system does not work. I mean, my experience of borstal convinces me that more criminal acts are imposed on prisoners than by criminals on society.
- Duke: Convinces you, eh? Fancy half of that mob charging up and down YOUR street? Fancy YOUR mother tackling that lot on the rampage? No you bloody well don't.. so what do you do about it, eh? Come on, what do you do about it?
- Archer: I'd talk about it first, like we are.
- Duke: Talk's bullshit, you lock them up!
- Archer: I'd also consider what happens to their guardians..
- Duke: Watch it, lad.
- Archer: No come on, I'm serious Mr Duke.. well, take yourself..for a weekly wage you have been locking up men and boys for most of your working life, right? Now, hanging down your leg is a chain, your key-chain, and the length of that chain indicates the time you have spent in the service... right, you may not have been fortunate in terms of promotion, but the length of that chain gives you rank over other officers of.. similar rank only.. but at the same time it acts as a constant reminder that although you have spent your life in the prison service, you are still only a basic officer... now, who gets the stick for that? Us. Who pays for that daily humiliation?
- Duke: Stand up, Archer.. and wipe that fucking grin off your face before I knock it off.. name and number!
- Archer: 4721, Archer, sir.
- Duke: I give you my fucking coffee, and think you can sit there and have the piss out of me?
- Archer: No sir, I didn't... I, I never get the chance to express myself.
- Duke: Then it's as well you don't, lad!
- Archer: I was only concerned with men being stripped of their dignity, cons AND screws.. we aren't much different in here, you know!
- Duke: You're on report for insolence.
- Archer: Yes, sir.
- Duke: STAND UP STRAIGHT!