The Humanoid

Try and forget for a second that this film only got released in 1979! Personally, I'm 100% convinced that it was, in fact, George Lucas who totally ripped off this brilliantly plotted script and even shamelessly copied the costume designs and set pieces of this genuine Sci-Fi milestone to make his own insignificant and overrated – but perhaps slightly better marketed – "Star Wars"! Seriously, THIS should have been the Sci-Fi hype of the past century! This should have been the film that spawned numerous sequels, imitations, merchandising and millions of obsessive and nerdy fan-boys all over the world, damned!

Of all the blatant rip-off's that the Italians made during the late 70's/early 80's period – and the amount of them is really gigantic – "The Humanoid" is most likely the most blatant of them all. The intro scrolling over the screen at the beginning, the main villain wearing exactly the same helmet as Darth Vader (though with an S&M mask underneath) and the robot is R2D2 with a doggie makeover. Thank God they didn't do an imitation of C3PO! The Han Solo on duty is Richard "Jaws" Kiel and it's immediately stated clear why this guy should only play roles that are completely silent. Cult siren Barbara Bach plays an evil queen who needs the blood of young women to safeguard her beauty (nice little Countess Bathory sub plot, actually). She allies with Darth Vader number two and with an evil professor who's working on a new and indestructible type of cyber-warrior called The Humanoid. Who other than Richard Kiel would be the more ideal Humanoid prototype, so thus the evil threesome turn Golob's (that's his name) spaceship into confetti and he emerges from the lake again as their retarded minion. With his superhuman strength, Darth Vader number two can finally conquer the throne of Metropolis. How about that plot, huh? Actually, I'm not quite sure if my little summary is fully accurate, as I was too busy laughing most of the time. "The Humanoid" truly is God-awful but immeasurably entertaining exploitation trash that you simply cannot hate. The funniest thing is that this idiocy was actually made by an ensemble of people that should know better, like director Aldo Lado ("Who Can Kill a Child"), special effects supervisor Antonio Margheriti ("The Virgin of Nuremberg"), composer Ennio Morricone ("Once Upon a time in the West"), writer Adriano Bolzoni ("Your Vice is a Locked Room and only I have the Key") and lead actress Barbara Bach ("The Spy who Loved Me"). The special effects and costumes are tacky from the beginning, but the plot gradually grows even more imbecilic as we move along. The variant on the lightsabers are … lightarrows! The entire special effects team must have brainwashed for two whole days over the question: what other medieval piece of armory can we turn into a futuristic fantasy weapon without George Lucas suing us? "The Humanoid" is the purest form of entertainment, especially if you have the chance of watching it with some fellow trash fanatics and whilst under the influence of mild narcotics.

THE HUMANOID is one of the most entertaining movies ever made. Aldo Lado has supplied me with some of the most bizarre and twisted images you could never imagine. You know you're in for a treat when the main character is named Golob, played by a bearded Richard Kiel and he's got a robot-dog in his crappy spaceship. You somehow can't go wrong from there on.

The Tom Tom character is also doing his to make THE HUMANOID one of the ultimate Italian science fiction epics, beware his excellent wisdom. Barbara Bach and the gigantic Kiel was quite the team in the Seventies, and as always she's looking hot in this; "The story of Golob turning Unfriendly and Unstoppable". I love Golob and his dog, I wish to see more of them. Why weren't there any sequels?

Ahhh! The glory of Italian Cinema of the Seventies and Eighties continues. These directors and screenwriters seemed to have no limits in ripping off the Hollywood big-seller. There's still plenty of somewhat obscure masterpieces to be discovered, I'm glad I found this one.

With Aldo Lado (Night Train murders) directing, Antonio Margheretti (Cannibal Apocalypse) on special effects, Enzo Castellari (Bronx Warriors) as second unit director, and a Ennio Morricone soundtrack, you'd think The Humanoid would be the greatest Italian Star Wars rip-off ever made, but you'd be wrong. Because that's Starcrash.

This one seems to be handicapped due to the amount of talent behind the camera. It's all well and good, but where's the insanity? Apart from the last half hour there.

Story wise, we've got Ivan Rassimov (Last Cannibal World) as a guy who bought Darth Vader's helmet at a car boot sale wanting to get revenge on his big brother via Arthur Kennedy (from goat arse licking film The Antichrist), who wants to kills Barbara who is a teacher to Tom Tom, a sat nav provider with psychic powers. Arthur also keeps Barbara Bach (Street Law) alive and she's Ivan's missus or something.

On the good guy side, there's Leonard Mann and Richard Kiel. Now Richard seems to be a good guy with a robot dog when he's got a beard, but when Arthur Kennedy gets a hold of him and removes that beard, Richard gets a bit killy and starts wasting everyone. This goes on for quite a while I'm afraid and I was almost losing patience with the film at this point, but then Tom Tom turns up and who cares...

So eventually the film gets around to the big battle bit at the end which is more enjoyable than what went before it. Loads of explosions, robot arse gravy, decapitations and all that jazz. Look - it's on Youtube. If you like Italian sci-fi (a seemingly random genre for the usually dependant Italians) then just watch it...

Valentino Valentini is named in the credits, but I don't recall seeing him.

Also, Italian cinema is now like watching Dad's Army 20 years ago...it's a case of who's alive and who's not - Not alive in this film as of today - Richard Kiel, Arthur Kennedy, Ivan Rassimov....sigh

As all good SF Fans know, after the success of Star Wars, there was a huge rush to cash in with ripoffs around the world. Most are forgettable, and this was one of them.

The ironic thing was that Richard Kiel (who plays the titular humanoid) was offered the role of Chewbacca in Star Wars and turned it down to play Jaws in the James Bond series. This movie is just another example of his poor career choices.

Anyway, the plot is that Discount Darth Vader escapes from a prison planet with the intent of overthrowing his brother, the leader of a space alliance. A mad scientist turns a space pilot (Kiel) into an indestructible monster to unleash on the Earth. Hilarity ensues as they try to copy Star Wars in style but not substance.

The thing is, the movie looks good for the time period, but it suffers from what all Italian films of that era suffer from- bad dubbing. All the ADR line delivery is flat and barely matches the actions of the characters.

It's not even fun in a so-bad-it's-good way.

There are times that films feel like gift packages wrapped up for just me and my insane taste in movies. Let me tell you all of the ways that The Humanoid makes me want to fall to my knees and give thanks: it's an Italian ripoff of Star Wars directed by Aldo Lado (Who Saw Her Die?, The Short Night of the Glass Dolls) working under the pseudonym George B. Lewis, a name that sounds close to George Lucas. It's got Ivan Rassimov, the crazy eyed star of such B&S About Movies favorites as Planet of the Vampires, Shock, Your Vice Is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and All the Colors of the Dark as Lord Graal, the samurai helmet and black armor clad bad guy who is this film's Darth Vader. It's got James Bond henchman supreme Richard Kiel as Golob, a giant henchman who wears a jacket straight out of Brotherhood of the Wolf. It's got Arthur Kennedy (The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue) in it! And it starts with the same shot Star Wars does, with a giant ship filling the screen and a crawl of type. And much like Starcrash it transcends its inspiration to become an insane movie unto itself.

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