Vampire Hookers

Vampire Hookers is certainly a bad movie but that is part of its charm. If you are a fan of 70's T&A films, this one will should appeal to you. I first saw it at an old downtown theater that ran mostly B horror movies and soft core porn. That was many years ago so I guess something about this film impressed me as I have never quite forgotten it although some of the people in the cast would probably like to.

My main question is, what is John Carradine doing in this? I know he was at the end of a fine career (hey, the guy was in Stagecoach and The Grapes of Wrath for crying out loud) but Vampire Hookers?!? I can only guess that he either A. needed the money, B. wanted to help out a producer or director friend, or C. lost a bet in a poker game with this film's producer.

I haven't figured out yet whether "Vampire Hookers" is the most retarded movie of all times, but I can most certainly confirm already that it earned a spot in the top ten for sure. Basically this means that I cannot possibly reward it with a rating higher than 2 out of 10, but – and this is contrary to all genuine bad movies with a similar rating – I don't want the rating to discourage anyone from watching it! Quite the opposite, in fact, "Vampire Hookers" comes with my warmest recommendation in case you're an avid fan of cheap and sleazy 70s exploitation cinema. Why? Simply because it's pure brainless and unscrupulous entertainment with a non- existent plot, lunatic characters, infantile toilet humor and gratuitous sex; that's why! Cirio H. Santiago was the contemporary king of Filipino exploitation rubbish and here he even managed to cast John Carradine in a top-billing role. However, like in most of the films released during the last decade of his career, he only just stands around with a disinterested look on his face and whines his lines almost inaudibly. He depicts a sort of fancy white-suited vampire patriarch living underneath a graveyard in a Filipina coastal town, together with his three beautiful, luscious and voluptuous…err…brides! They have local slaves, aspiring vampires actually, that lure horny men to the graveyard so that they can feast on their bodies and blood. When their supervisor doesn't return after a wild night of fun, two worried Navy Sailors start their own investigation. The screenplay of this lousy but charming flick is full of bad jokes, but you'll laugh out loud anyway because the comical situations are so cheesy, inappropriate and misfit. The type of humor featuring in "Vampire Hookers" is probably best illustrated through the character of the exploitation regular Vic Diaz. He plays a fat and filthy henchman who farts continuously, and when he discovers he finally receives vampire fangs, he gets so ecstatic and jumpy that the walls of the entire underground lair come tumbling down. Also, and this is truly remarkable, Cirio H. Santiago proves with "Vampire Hookers" that even 10-minute sex orgies featuring three beautiful women can be overlong and boring; especially when they keep their panties on!

Vampire Hookers (1978)

** (out of 4)

A rather insane horror film from the Philippines has a couple sailors on leave when they notice a buddy taken to a cemetery by a hooker. When their buddy doesn't show back up they go out looking for him and discover a vampire pimp (John Carradine) and his three vampire hookers. This is a really stupid film that is pure exploitation but if you enjoy bad movies then there's enough here to keep you going. If the thought of a fair to poor movie scares you then it's best you stay away from this one. The movie is incredibly stupid on so many levels and that includes dialogue like "Coffins are for being laid to rest...not for being laid". You also have exploitation legend Vic Diaz playing a loser who wants to be a vampire but can't help farting inside his coffin, which keeps him from being able to sleep at night. The performances, as expected, are beyond bad and that includes the three hookers, although thankfully they do get naked. They get naked during a nearly ten-minute orgy scene, which has to be one of the worst ones ever filmed. Then we have Carradine who is once again playing a vampire and here we get to see him with fake plastic fangs. He appears to be having fun at the age of 72 so you can't blame him. The Philippines have delivered all sorts of strange exploitation films over the past few decades but none of nutty as this one here. It's certainly trash but just sit back and try to laugh. And don't forget to stay tuned during the closing credits to here the song "Vampire Hookers (They Suck More Than Blood)".

Oh man, this movie is worth watching just for the theme song!! If you are a collector of B horror movies or like to pop 'em late at night you must see this movie. Most John Carradine movies are bad and this is for sure no exception! This gem is complete with bad voice overs, bad acting and a Super Awesomely Bad orgy scene. This movie is pee your pants funny and it's one of the worst movies your little peepers will ever view. Seriously, this needs to go in any B Horror movie collection. Jeese, I can't believe they made this movie, but I'm glad they did. It's just too funny.

Rating…3 / 5 Genre…Horror, Vampires, Comedy, Filipino Cinema Director…Cirio H. Santiago Stars…John Carradine, Bruce Fairbairn, Trey Wilson, Karen Stride, Lenka Novak, Katie Dolan, Lex Winter, Leo Martinez, Vic Diaz, Erna Martha Bauman Synopsis…Two sailors are on leave in a Filipino port well on their way to looking for love in all the wrong places. After a beer brawl separates them one finds himself in the clutches a bevy of fanged beauties. It seems that a poetry spouting vamp (poor John Carradine) has set up shop uses his Vampire Hookers to nab unsuspecting prey ala Dracula and his brides.

Thoughts…Vampire Hookers is far from the worst thing I've ever seen it's silly as all hell but it still entertains none-the-less. The two bumbling sailors were obviously graduates with honors from the Bruce Campbell School of Cinematic Snickers with the screen shenanigans peaking with a stinky, flatulent vampire. You really have to feel for John Carradine who has horrible lines but at least he had most of his scenes with title bloodsuckers ("'cause blood is not all they suck").

In Conclusion…It's crude. It's silly. You know you want to see it.