Vampire Hookers

Vampire Hookers has two comedy American sailors go ashore in San Francisco, not California but The Philippines, looking for a good time (women and booze). They cross paths with a vampire called Richard Reed (played by horror legend John Carradine), his three sexy female vampire companions plus a funny character called Pavo (Vic Diaz). Pavo is not a vampire himself but he does sometimes wear false fangs, sleeps in a wooden box and farts a lot! Yes, this is a horror comedy, sexploitation, Grindhouse flick. I have been watching horror movies for over 40 years but until a couple of days ago I had never heard of this little movie. In addition to farting gags there are corny one liners throughout, "It's not my eardrums I want blowing", sailor - "That is not death, it's murder", vampire - "It's not murder, it's dinner!", and so on, and so on. I believe that horror/comedy is quite a hard genre to get right but credit to the makers, they did a fairly good job here. The film is very rich in colour and the vampire scenes reminded me of Euro Gothic horror, nicely shot. One sailor gets to make love to the three vampires, all at the same time. There is topless nudity and oral sex is implied, the scene goes on for a while but it is very soft in nature. Throw in a very catchy end credits song I found Vampire Hookers to be fun and utterly trashy in equal amounts, certainly not a classic but worth watching for a few good laughs, plus of course for the late Mr Carradine.

Vampire Hookers is certainly a bad movie but that is part of its charm. If you are a fan of 70's T&A films, this one will should appeal to you. I first saw it at an old downtown theater that ran mostly B horror movies and soft core porn. That was many years ago so I guess something about this film impressed me as I have never quite forgotten it although some of the people in the cast would probably like to.

My main question is, what is John Carradine doing in this? I know he was at the end of a fine career (hey, the guy was in Stagecoach and The Grapes of Wrath for crying out loud) but Vampire Hookers?!? I can only guess that he either A. needed the money, B. wanted to help out a producer or director friend, or C. lost a bet in a poker game with this film's producer.

Rating…3 / 5 Genre…Horror, Vampires, Comedy, Filipino Cinema Director…Cirio H. Santiago Stars…John Carradine, Bruce Fairbairn, Trey Wilson, Karen Stride, Lenka Novak, Katie Dolan, Lex Winter, Leo Martinez, Vic Diaz, Erna Martha Bauman Synopsis…Two sailors are on leave in a Filipino port well on their way to looking for love in all the wrong places. After a beer brawl separates them one finds himself in the clutches a bevy of fanged beauties. It seems that a poetry spouting vamp (poor John Carradine) has set up shop uses his Vampire Hookers to nab unsuspecting prey ala Dracula and his brides.

Thoughts…Vampire Hookers is far from the worst thing I've ever seen it's silly as all hell but it still entertains none-the-less. The two bumbling sailors were obviously graduates with honors from the Bruce Campbell School of Cinematic Snickers with the screen shenanigans peaking with a stinky, flatulent vampire. You really have to feel for John Carradine who has horrible lines but at least he had most of his scenes with title bloodsuckers ("'cause blood is not all they suck").

In Conclusion…It's crude. It's silly. You know you want to see it.

Vampire Hookers (1978)

** (out of 4)

A rather insane horror film from the Philippines has a couple sailors on leave when they notice a buddy taken to a cemetery by a hooker. When their buddy doesn't show back up they go out looking for him and discover a vampire pimp (John Carradine) and his three vampire hookers. This is a really stupid film that is pure exploitation but if you enjoy bad movies then there's enough here to keep you going. If the thought of a fair to poor movie scares you then it's best you stay away from this one. The movie is incredibly stupid on so many levels and that includes dialogue like "Coffins are for being laid to rest...not for being laid". You also have exploitation legend Vic Diaz playing a loser who wants to be a vampire but can't help farting inside his coffin, which keeps him from being able to sleep at night. The performances, as expected, are beyond bad and that includes the three hookers, although thankfully they do get naked. They get naked during a nearly ten-minute orgy scene, which has to be one of the worst ones ever filmed. Then we have Carradine who is once again playing a vampire and here we get to see him with fake plastic fangs. He appears to be having fun at the age of 72 so you can't blame him. The Philippines have delivered all sorts of strange exploitation films over the past few decades but none of nutty as this one here. It's certainly trash but just sit back and try to laugh. And don't forget to stay tuned during the closing credits to here the song "Vampire Hookers (They Suck More Than Blood)".

This film is almost never funny intentionally. All the laughs come from the rushed dialogue, the odd pauses and fast responses, the awkward cuts and the I don't really give a crap about this shot attitude present in 80% of the movie. Is the acting bad? The worst. Is the Story bad? It's Vampire Hookers, the story is the title, if you don't want a laugh at that idea don't watch this movie. Fart Jokes Included.