John Huston credited as playing...
Pa Kegan
- Pa Kegan: I'm all that's standing between you and darkest night, son. The other side of me, there's Chaos.
- Pa Kegan: I got sixty million bucks riding on that ship, kiddo, and you leave her like a Friday-night hooker.
- Pa Kegan: Looks like you were telling the truth.
- Nick Kegan: Truth? Pa, I'm your son.
- Pa Kegan: Ah, you always had an excitable imagination. For a while, as a boy, I was afraid you might turn out to be a fag.
- Nick Kegan: You're a real winner, Pa.
- Pa Kegan: You ain't a piano player, you ain't an artist. You got no business sense, no political sense. What the hell do you want anyway? Where are your values in life?
- Nick Kegan: I honestly don't know.
- Pa Kegan: Do you get laid? I ask you, do you get laid?
- Nick Kegan: Yeah.
- Pa Kegan: Do you know how many times your brother got laid when he was in office?
- Nick Kegan: What are you, the 'National Inquirer'?
- Pa Kegan: One thousand seventy-two, and with a schedule like his.
- Nick Kegan: We need help in this.
- Pa Kegan: Help? Like who? The CIA? They smuggle my cigars from Havana, that's what they do. Import, export.
- Nick Kegan: You're bringing the confession to the President?
- Pa Kegan: Hell, no. That moron can't read to find the men's room.
- Pa Kegan: God, son, it must've been the milkman after all, 'cause you sure as hell ain't no part of me.
- Pa Kegan: What am I gonna do with these girls, Mr. Secretary? First they're hot, then they're cold.
- Secretary of State: When she's hot again, send her over.
- Second Blonde Girl: I'm always hot.
- Pa Kegan: Spent a lot of money in that state. I mean, over-the-counter, under-the-table, tucked-into-a-box-of-cigars money.
- Pa Kegan: My International Vice President, John Cerruti, has files on the high and mighty, and the low and ornery, that make the CIA record look like a corner newsstand. Information's power. And now we're gonna use it.
- Pa Kegan: You won't need the vet.
- Nick Kegan: The vet?
- Pa Kegan: Yeah, the vet for Cocoa. Your mother passed out last night and smothered the mutt in her sleep.
- Nick Kegan: Oh, no.
- Pa Kegan: Yeah. Sleeps with the damn dog. Crazy woman.
- Pa Kegan: Here's a map on how to get there. He's south of Tulsa. It's all arranged. Take it. Take it!
- Nick Kegan: Okay, Pa. For the family.
- Pa Kegan: I forgot. You're the boy scout of the family. Tim always shared information on his broads.
- Nick Kegan: I'm not Tim.
- Pa Kegan: You think I'm in control here? I'm nothing but a damn front. Cerruti's run everything since the day Tim was shot. And, the darndest part, don't even give himself a raise. Lives in Brooklyn, in a rabbit hole.