Lily Tomlin credited as playing...
Violet Newstead
- [a candy-striper, with a 'Buffy' nametag, approaches Violet who's hauling a dead corpse on a gurny under a sheet]
- Buffy: Excuse me. Could you tell me where the coffee shop is?
- Violet Newstead: [nervous tone] The what?
- Buffy: The coffee shop.
- Violet Newstead: The coffee shop? No, I'm new here, I don't drink coffee.
- Buffy: I'm new here too. Where do you work?
- Violet Newstead: Uh... downstairs.
- Buffy: In the morgue?
- Violet Newstead: [nervous tone] Yes, that's right!
- Buffy: [looks at the body on the gurny] How did he... ?
- Violet Newstead: Coffee... too much coffee. I'm just taking him out for some air. Uh, I mean fresh air for me, he's just coming along for the ride.
- [Buffy gasps]
- Violet Newstead: *What?*
- Buffy: Oh, you're a doctor! I'm sorry, I didn't see your badge.
- [Violet looks at the badge and finally realizes that the white lab coat she's stolen is a doctor's]
- Violet Newstead: Oh yeah... I'm a doctor. So why the hell am I talking to you? Piss off!
- Violet Newstead: Oh, God. They know about the rat poison. I might as well just turn myself in.
- Doralee Rhodes: Violet, it was an accident.
- Violet Newstead: I'm a murderer.
- Judy Bernly: No, you're not.
- Violet Newstead: I'm a murderess. I'm gonna go to the pen. My poor kids. I'm gonna lose my job.
- Judy Bernly: Violet, stop this.
- Violet Newstead: I'm no fool. I've killed the boss, you think they're not gonna fire me for a thing like that?
- Violet Newstead: He wants to prosecute.
- Doralee Rhodes: Well why wouldn't he? He's got you for poisoning him, and me for roping him, and *you* for acting like he was first prize at a turkey shoot!
- [Violet's fantasy - she's Snow White and Hart is the villain]
- Violet Newstead: Your coffee, Mr. Hart.
- [Hart drinks the coffee, steam comes from his ears, he screams and his head spins around on his neck]
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: I think there was something in that coffee.
- Violet Newstead: I think you're right.
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: I think it was poison.
- Violet Newstead: Right again.
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: I think you did it.
- Violet Newstead: [singing] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- [sticks tongue out]
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: Why?
- Violet Newstead: Why do you think?
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: Because I'm a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot?
- Violet Newstead: Bingo.
- Violet Newstead: What could we use to keep Hart quiet?
- Judy Bernly: Blackmail?
- Violet Newstead: Blackmail, oh that sounds good! What could we get on him...?
- Judy Bernly: A sex scandal! Take a picture of him in bed with a prositute.
- Doralee Rhodes: No, who'd care?
- Violet Newstead: Yeah, Hart would just buy up all the copies and then distribute them as Christmas cards.
- Violet Newstead: Okay, I'm gonna leave, but let me tell you one thing before I go: don't you *ever* refer to me as "your girl" again.
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: What in God's name are you talking about?
- [Doralee enters]
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: Doralee, now what are we gonna do about this chair?
- Violet Newstead: I'll tell you what I'm talking about: I'm no girl; I'm a woman, do you hear me? I'm not your wife - thank God - or your mother...
- [gesturing toward Doralee]
- Violet Newstead: ... or even your mistress.
- Doralee Rhodes: [shocked] What?
- Violet Newstead: I am your *employee* and, as such, I expect to be treated equally, with a little dignity and a little respect!
- Doralee Rhodes: What do you mean, *mistress*?
- Violet Newstead: Doralee, just come off it, for God's sake. The whole office knows you two are having an affair.
- Doralee Rhodes: WHO'S BEEN SAYING WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR?
- Violet Newstead: Who's been saying it? HE has.
- [leaves]
- Doralee Rhodes: What? So! You've been telling everybody I'm sleeping with you, huh? Well, that explains it; that's why these people treat me like some dime-store floozy. They all think I'm screwing the boss!
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: No, no... That's not it at all...!
- Doralee Rhodes: Oh, and you just love it, don't you! It gives you some sort of cheap thrill, like knocking over pencils, and picking up papers...
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: Doralee, let's don't get excited here...
- Doralee Rhodes: Get your scummy hands off me. Look, I've been straight with you since the first day I got here. And I've put up will all your groping and ogling and hollow apologies and chasing me around the desk, because I need this job. BUT THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!
- Franklin Hart, Jr.: All right, now, let's... Let's just sit down here and...
- Doralee Rhodes: Look, I've got a gun out there in my purse. And up to now, I've been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up. But I'll tell you one thing: If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm gonna get that gun of mine... And I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot!
- [calls back over her shoulder while storming out of the office]
- Doralee Rhodes: DON'T THINK I CAN'T DO IT!
- [slams the door and then keeps going]
- Violet Newstead: One thing you should know about dear old Roz... She's the eyes, ears, nose, and throat of Mr. Hart. Anything she hears, he hears.
- Judy Bernly: You mean she's a... a company spy?
- Violet Newstead: I wouldn't exactly say that, I'd just say that if you want to gossip in the ladies' room, I'd check under the stalls, first, for her shoes.
- Doralee Rhodes: [stepping out from behind the car after seeing that the wrong corpse is in the trunk of the car] Uh, Judy? Would you come back here for a second?
- Judy Bernly: What?
- Doralee Rhodes: Look.
- Judy Bernly: Who's that?
- Doralee Rhodes: I don't know.
- Judy Bernly: Where's Hart?
- Doralee Rhodes: I don't know.
- Judy Bernly: Oh, my God, you mean she... *oh my god!*
- Doralee Rhodes: [stepping out from beind the car] Violet, honey, would you come over here for a second?
- Violet Newstead: What is the matter with you two? We have got to get the - who is that?
- Doralee Rhodes: Is that one of those marijuana cigarettes?
- Violet Newstead: [Under her breath] We don't have enough for everyone, cool it!
- Doralee Rhodes: That's just great! We just waltz into the hospital and say, "We're sorry, we made a mistake." Well, maybe they'll give us Hart's body in exchange!
- Violet Newstead: There is no need to get sarcastic!
- [Violet, planning to get rid of a dead corpse from the hospital that she thinks is Hart's body, drives crazily and speeds along the highway with Doralee and Judy in the car with her]
- Judy Bernly: Where's the body?
- Violet Newstead: In the trunk! Look, all we have to do is get some cement blocks, chain them to his feet and pitch him off the end of the pier, and no one will ever know.
- Doralee Rhodes: You are crazy! They'll find it, they always find it!
- Violet Newstead: Oh-hoh, crazy am I? They never found Jimmy Hoffa!
- Judy Bernly: Why don't we send Roz away on vacation?
- Violet Newstead: Judy, a vacation is only two weeks. We've got to keep her away longer then that.
- Judy Bernly: Hey, I've got a better idea. Have you ever heard of those Aspen language schools in Europe where they send executives to learn foreign languages? Why don't we send her there?
- Violet Newstead: You know, that idea's not half-bad. We could write it up that it's... top secret. Consolidated is looking to open overseas offices in Europe and they need executives who can... speak French or something. We could enroll Roz at one of those schools in Paris and send her there for a six-week learning course to take.
- Judy Bernly: But will she go?
- Doralee Rhodes: Are you kidding? If Hart asked her?
- Roz: Here, Violet, you can put this up on the bulletin board.
- Violet Newstead: Thanks, Roz, I know just where to *stick* it.
- Violet Newstead: I have to go shopping. We're running out of everything: cat food, fish food, ant spray, rat poison.
- Judy Bernly: [the girls have stolen the wrong body from the hospital] Oh, this is terrible. It's so improper. It's so disrespectful!
- Violet Newstead: He's dead! He doesn't mind!
- Violet Newstead: [she's about to give Judy a guided tour of Hart's floor] ... Welcome to the front lines.
- [sees Roz approaching]
- Violet Newstead: Uh oh, here comes Colonel Klink.
- Violet Newstead: I guess I must've made a mistake.
- Doralee Rhodes: You steal the wrong body from the hospital and all you can say is I must have made a mistake!
- Violet Newstead: It could happen to anyone.
- Violet Newstead: Hey, I just got some bad news. It's a telex from the head office in New York. They received our request, but due to a new computer system download and overhaul at their office... they won't be able to send us the invoices from Ajax Warehouse for another month - four to six weeks.
- Judy Bernly: Four to six weeks! We have to keep Hart tied up all that time?
- Violet Newstead: [shrugs] Do we have a choice?
- Doralee Rhodes: Yeah, I think we can pull it off. I really do. Until today, I never knew just how unpopular Hart is around here. Believe me, nobody in this whole building wants to face that man, not if they can avoid it!
- Judy Bernly: Except the one person who WOULD want to.
- Violet Newstead: Yeah, Roz. Not that it doesn't add up; she's even less popular than he is... So what are we going to do about her?