Malcolm McDowell: Caligula

Caligula

Caligula

[first lines]
Caligula: I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man and therefore I am a God.

Proculus: Divine Ceasar, PLEASE! What have I done? Why am I here?
Caligula: Treason!
Proculus: Treason? I have always been loyal to you!
Caligula: [laughs insanely] That IS your treason! You're an honest man, Proculus, which means a bad Roman! Therefore, you are a traitor! Logical, hmm? Ha, ha, ha!

Caligula: [at an orgy] Longinus, you're not having any fun! Enjoy yourself! What is your preference?
Longinus: Everything and nothing, Caesar.
Caligula: You can't have both for the same price.

[Caligula stands in front of a large pile of documents he's about to put his stamp on]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[stamps document, servant removes it from the pile]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the... senate... and...
[browses through the large pile of documents]
Caligula: the people of Rome.
[Stamps document, servant removes it from pile]
Caligula: . I, Caligula Caesar,
[starts speaking faster]
Caligula: command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[stamps]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[stamps]
Caligula: [speaking much faster] I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[speaking almost unintelligible, stamps between each repeat]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome. I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome. I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome. Rome! Rome! Rome! Caesar! Caesar! Rome! Rome! Rubbish! Rubbish!
[calms down]
Caligula: I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the senate and the people of Rome.
[stamps, looks at servant]
Caligula: No wonder life's so dull!

Tiberius: It is fate that rules us, Little Boots, not any god.
Caligula: You are a god.
Tiberius: No, I'm NOT! Not even when I'm dead.
Caligula: Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar, they are gods.
Tiberius: So says the senate, and so the people prefer to believe. Such myths are useless.

Nerva: Tiberius, you were wise once.
Tiberius: Don't taunt me! I am old.
Nerva: I've watched you grow into a monster! One by one, I've seen you murder your whole family, your friends, the noblest men in Rome.
Caligula: That is treason!
Nerva: No, it's the truth.
Tiberius: I am and always have been surrounded by enemies. In my own family, in the senate... You are cruel!
Nerva: Honest old men can sometimes see the future. So, from the evils past, and the evils yet to come, I now choose to escape.

[Caligula is raping Livia]
Caligula: Open your EYES, Livia! Lucky girl... to lose one's virginity to a direct descendent of the goddess... I, Caligula Caesar, command in the name of the... Open your eyes, Proculus! Command in the name of the senate-OPEN THEM!-the senate, and the people of... Rome!

Tiberius: If someone else had become emperor, I would've been killed... As you will be!
[Tiberius quickly walks away as Caligula realizes]
Caligula: Will be?
[Caligula runs after Tiberius]
Caligula: Will be, Grandfather?
Tiberius: Would be, if you were not my heir.

Chaerea: [at an empty battlefield] There is no enemy.
Caligula: There is papyrus cane!
Chaerea: Papyrus cane, divine Caesar?
Caligula: Yes, papyrus! Don't be so stupid, Chaerea! Order my army to attack and destroy that papyrus!
Chaerea: Yes, lord.
Caligula: After all, we must have some proof that I conquered Britain!
[breaks out laughing]