Chevy Chase credited as playing...
Nicholas Gardenia
- Judge John Channing: Mr. Gardenia, will you answer a question for me please?
- Nick Gardenia: If I can be of any help in this case, Judge, it's my pleasure.
- Judge John Channing: Mr. Gardenia, were you apprehended or did you surrender?
- Nick Gardenia: Surrendered.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: He was apprehended.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: He was apprehended after he surrendered.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: He didn't surrender to me, therefore he was apprehended.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: He was *going* to surrender to my husband after dinner. I told him to wait in the kitchen.
- Judge John Channing: [Drops pencil in disgust] And did you wait in the kitchen, Mr. Gardenia?
- Nick Gardenia: No, I had to serve dinner.
- Judge John Channing: Wait a minute. You served dinner to Mr. and Mrs. Parks?
- Nick Gardenia: And the Governor.
- Judge John Channing: The Governor? *Our* Governor?
- Nick Gardenia: I didn't ask him. He looked like our governor.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: Your Honor, I think our guest list is totally irrelevant to the charges. I mean, if we're gonna get into such trivialities, we might as well discuss what was served.
- Nick Gardenia: Chicken pepperoni, your Honor. The Governor seemed to enjoy it if it has any bearing on the case.
- Judge John Channing: Hold it hold it, hold it. Just - would you hold it? Are you telling me that while every police officer in the state of California was looking for you, you were serving dinner to the District Attorney, his wife and the Governor?
- [Chuckles in disbelief]
- Judge John Channing: How is that possible?
- Nick Gardenia: Well, you have to prepare everything in advance.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: If you're innocent, they'll never send you to jail.
- Nick Gardenia: Is that how it works, Chester?
- Chester: Not in my neighborhood.
- B.G. Ramone: Know you remember where this gun is.
- Nick Gardenia: Right side middle of the ribs
- Gas station attendant #1: What will it be boys
- B.G. Ramone: Fill it up
- Nick Gardenia: Fill it up
- Gas station attendant #1: Regular or Premium?
- Nick Gardenia: Regular
- B.G. Ramone: Premium!
- Nick Gardenia: Premium will be fine
- Gas station attendant #1: Do you want me to check the hood
- Nick Gardenia: Yea
- B.G. Ramone: No
- Nick Gardenia: No its already been checked. Thanks.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: We're going to have a serious conversation tonight.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I'm looking forward to it.
- Nick Gardenia: Anything special you'd like for dinner?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Disbarment. Disbarment and disgrace are all that lies ahead.
- Nick Gardenia: [looking ahead] That and a big truck.
- Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks: The man sleeps under my bed, drives my car, and wears my tuxedo... I just want to meet him. Hold it right there. You're under arrest.
- Fred: The police are on their way
- Nick Gardenia: Didn't like the chicken, huh?
- Nick Gardenia: [looks right into camera] Oh Sh**!
- Fred: [looks at Gardenia's image coming off printer] Jeee-sus!
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Why did you come here, of all places?
- Nick Gardenia: Because I knew you were the one person in the world who could help me.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I can't help you.
- Nick Gardenia: Maybe it was somebody else I was thinking of.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Oh, why am I doing all this? Why do I believe you? You haven't taken any of this seriously for a second! You've been having the best time, haven't you? Look at you, with that silly smirk on your face!
- Nick Gardenia: I tried a serious smirk, but it didn't feel right.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: It's all just a game to you, isn't it? I bet you banged up your leg on purpose, just to make it more interesting.
- Nick Gardenia: You know, Glenda, there was a time when you had a pretty good sense of humor.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: I remember it. It was the day I married you.
- Nick Gardenia: Uh oh...
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: You haven't changed in all these years, Nick. Nothing ever fazes you. You're still a boy. When will you ever grow up?
- Nick Gardenia: I am trying, Glenda. I grew a moustache, but it fell off... Ah, why don't we forget about it? Just lend me a cup and some pencils, and I'll make it on my own.
- Nick Gardenia: Can I at least have some food, Glenda? I've had nothing to eat but old candy bars. I'm beginning to break out.
- Nick Gardenia: I don't want your credit cards! I want my Milk Duds! I haven't eaten in two days, I'm desperate. Now, move!
- Nick Gardenia: I'm not going back to prison, Glen. I spent two years in a cell with two cockroaches who committed suicide. Will you please help me?
- Nick Gardenia: You know, your eyes lit up the minute you saw me again. I like that.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: That battery's been dead for a long time.
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Because of you Ira's gonna lose the election and I'm gonna get divorced.
- Nick Gardenia: Well, what are friends for?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Isn't there some other girl that you could have gone to?
- Nick Gardenia: Nah, they're not dependable, all they want is sex.
- Nick Gardenia: You put on weight, or my fingers got skinny?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Listen, you can touch me for help, not enjoyment.
- Nick Gardenia: It's times like this, I wonder why we ever got divorced?
- Glenda Gardenia Parks: Because. Because of times like this.
- Nick Gardenia: You know, your picture's painted on the wall of a Mexican prison. I described your face to an artist who was in my cell. A lot of those guys wanted to rent it out for the weekend, but I wouldn't let them.