The Pumaman

Ah, this movie is a blast. What is Donald Pleasance doing here? And why does he keep mispronouncing "puma?" It is a one star movie, but I upped it a couple of points because it is so entertaining. The main character is more like Tiggerman than Pumaman, unless bouncing is what pumas do best. He is undeserving of superherodom. He whines incessantly and has to have his Aztec (yes, I said Aztec) Boy Wonder bail him out. Still, the cheesy special effects, music and bad acting elevate the film into kitsch and there are worse ways to spend a couple of hours.

Pumaman has got to be one of the worst superheroes of all time. His "costume" consists of a shirt with a Aztec happy face on it, a pair of Abercrombie and Finch cargo pants, cheap pleather cowboy boots, the WWF Hardcore Championship belt (the only thing that's "hardcore" about this loser), and a fey red cape. He flies at about the same speed as the Goodyear Blimp, he can rip the top of a Jaguar but has a hard time wrestling a sixtyish fat man to the ground, he can teleport, but only to places he has been before (such as his friend's firetruck(?)), and his theme song sounds like a commercial for a personal injury attourney. Worse, he has a hulking mongoloid with a Moe Howard haircut following him around doing all his dirty work, like getting beat up by bad guys or tying Pumaman up during one of his many suicide attempts. In the same vein, the "villian", Donald Pleasance, has one of the worst evil schemes of all time: taking over the world by staring at manniquen heads through a mask mounted on a pole. Other idioic characters include Pumaman's mouth-breathing girlfriend (why she wears a leather flying helmet is beyond me) and a whole army of thugs as cannon fodder for this wuss and his Aztec. ONLY watch this on MST3K!

I pride myself in my knowledge and appreciation of bad films. Back in the late 1970s, Harry Medved wrote an amazingly funny and brilliant book called "The 50 Worst Movies of All Time" and it kicked off the craze to see and appreciate bad films. I actually found and watched all fifty of the films from the book and then went in search for more awful films and decided to try watching IMDb's infamous Bottom 100 list. Not all of them are available and several have no subtitles or dubbing, so I cannot possibly see them all. However, I've seen a huge number of them and have noticed an annoying trend--nearly all the American films on the list were skewered on "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and MANY really bad films were never on this show--mostly because they couldn't get the royalties for all the films. Plus, other bad films have come out since the show ended. As a result, many absolutely horrid films NEVER appear on the list even though they are much worse than those featured on "MST 3000"...such as "Plan 9 From Outer Space", "They Saved Hitler's Brain", "Robot Monster", "The Room" and ALL of the films of Larry Buchanan, William Grefe and Ted Mikels! Clearly this list is NOT even close to being the 100 worst films...just the lowest rated and apparently the TV show's fans vote!

So is "Pumaman" worthy of being on this infamous list? Well, not...not at all. Sure, it's bad...but not THAT bad. While the story is silly and the special effects god-awful, there is a certain fun kitschy quality that made it much easier to watch than most bad films.

When the film begins, you hear about some weird Aztec-like cult that has great power--and some baddies want to destroy them and their emissary of goodness, Pumaman. But who is Pumaman? Well, no one really knows as he's soon to be revealed. Unfortunately, the dopey guy in England seems a very unlikely candidate to be a superhero...but he cannot help but believe something is up when he falls out a window yet lands safely on his feet! Soon, an American- Indian believer arrives and announces to the guy that he is Pumaman...and at around same time, so do the baddies who want to destroy him.

The plot is very much like the TV show "Americas Greatest Hero" (which it pre-dated)--with a naive new hero who has a hard time believing and then controlling his super powers...so the idea COULD have worked. Unfortunately, the film appeared to have a budget of about $64.38 when it came to special effects!! The scene where the guy falls out the window is just sad to see...as it is when he is supposedly flying. Heck, back in the 1950s "The Adventures of Superman" had MUCH better superhero effects...so why does it look so terrible in the 1980s?! And why does the musical budget appear to be even smaller--with really cheap and craptastic electronic keyboard effects that become VERY repetitious?! And, why does Donald Pleasance agree again and again to be in crappy films?! After all, he once was a respected actor!

The bottom line is that although this is a crappy and ugly looking film and the writing is occasionally very goofy, there is a grain of something NOT miserable or awful in it as well. No way would I put this in any Bottom 100 or possibly even Bottom 1000 list!

Puma

man, when he finally gets around to being Pumaman, looks like he got his outfit from Primark's 'Sensible Gentleman' section and attached a cape to it. He also displays the natural talents of a Puma. You know, like seeing in infra-red, passing through walls, and flying. If you start thinking about why aliens and pumas are linked and why Donald Pleasance can somehow take over people's minds using a gold mask from South America attached to what looks like a tricycle, you are going to end up having a stroke.

"It looks bad, and not good bad," my wife remarked while heading to our indoor pool manned by Joe Dallesandro look-a-likes. After watching it, I tend to agree to a certain extent. Pumaman has a reputation as a bad movie. Donald Pleasence said it was the worst film he starred in. Alberto De Martino says it was the worst film he ever made. Are there laughs to be had? Let's see.

After a demented introduction about how aliens contacted the Aztecs and made the first Pumaman, we switch to Donald Pleasence who has this gold mask that he's using to take over people's mind. He won't to control the world and only Pumaman can stop him, if only he knew who he was. This leads to various Americans in London being thrown out of windows before some mystic good guy tracks down the real Pumaman. I can't be bothered looking up what his character's name was.

New Pumaman has to learn to be Pumaman and is reluctant to fly about the place looking like a complete moron but eventually he does, and the effects really do look like someone hung Pumaman from a hook attached to his arse, then used the worst blue-screen effects in the world. And they use it in about 50% of the film. He can also go in and out of walls, something he seems to forget when chasing Donald Pleasence later in the film.

Donald's gold mask/mind control set up is pretty crap too. Once he grabs someone's mind, a rubber head of theirs appear on a shelf and then Donald commands it through the gold mask. This looks worse that it sounds, as the visual effect for communication seems to be wobbling a bit of sheet metal with the rubber head reflected on it. Truly dire. There are some laughs to be had by this, but apart from amatuer fist fights, Pumaman arguing with his mentor, really bad romantic scenes with Sydne Rome, and the constant nose-bleed inducing flying sequences, the best bit for me was when I realised that ten minutes of the film had begun to repeat itself, leading to a blissful moment where I fast forwarded the film, therefore reducing the running time.

Dear god. This was a terrifyingly bad movie. If ever a film made me want to hang my head in shame, this was it. Donald "All quiet on the Balding Front" Pleasence is anything but. Sydne Rome (awfully close to Syndrome isn't it? I'll she has a couple) and Walter George Alton shared a romantic moment or two that looked more like a vacuous stare at some bit of food in the others mouth. And the way the Pumaman "leaps" from building to building got me thinking of wedgies while hanging from my elementary school's jungle gym. Bottom line, I would rather have my colon examined by Jar Jar Binks than watch this movie without a healthy dose of morphine.