Dudley Moore credited as playing...
Arthur Bach
- Arthur: Hobson?
- Hobson: Yes.
- Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do?
- Hobson: No, I don't.
- Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.
- Hobson: I'll alert the media.
- Arthur: [rises] Do you want to run my bath for me?
- Hobson: That's what I live for.
- [Arthur exits]
- Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
- Burt Johnson: I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making.
- Arthur: You may be right. I can't decide.
- Perry's Wife: [screams] MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN!
- Arthur: I'm sure he does, madam. For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.
- Hobson: Would you remove your helmet, please?
- Arthur: Why?
- Hobson: Please.
- [Arthur hands him his helmet]
- Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles.
- Arthur: Why?
- Hobson: Please.
- [Arthur hands him his goggles]
- Hobson: Thank you.
- [slaps him across the face repeatedly]
- Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
- Arthur: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.
- Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.
- Arthur: Except for fish.
- Hobson: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?
- Arthur: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are your thoughts, Hobson?
- Hobson: Pardon me...
- [rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head]
- Arthur: [pointing at a mounted moose on the wall] Where's the rest of this moose?
- Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.
- Arthur: I do too. That's why I had you come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.
- Arthur: [patting the moose] I don't have to tell you that.
- Arthur: You must've hated this moose.
- Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!
- Arthur: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt] Right.
- Burt Johnson: [smiling broadly] When I was 11 years old, I KILLED a man.
- Arthur: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here?
- Burt Johnson: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food.
- Arthur: Well, he was asking for it.
- Burt Johnson: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen.
- Arthur: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen.
- Burt Johnson: You seem to find humor in everything.
- Arthur: Yeah, sorry.
- Burt Johnson: Hello, Arthur.
- Arthur: Hello, Mr. Johnson.
- Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately.
- Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?
- Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.
- Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!