Mystery on Monster Island

"It's the worst movie ever" is an oft-used phrase. "It's a real turkey" has just about lost its punch. How about this for a plug line: "MONSTER ISLAND isn't a movie; it's punishment for a lifetime of horrible deeds."

I taped it for my 6-year-old son and we just got through watching the thing; I had to have a bath afterwards in case any stray remnants of this cheesy, inept, incompetently-directed, over-the-top spectacularly bad acting, ill-conceived design, Jules-Verne-insulting, direct-attack-on-filmmaking pile managed to shoot through the pixels and land on me. The looping was apparently done by performers for whom 'human' is a second language. Truly excellent actors Peter Cushing and Terence Stamp were fortunate because while top-billed, they barely had any screen time at all. I'm still floored by having to witness one of the most baroquely florid and horrendously just plain bad performances in the history of cinema: that of the estimable David Hatton as Professor Artelect. It all makes sense in a way: he must have been the title Monster; his victim the acting profession.

In summation, this is a reprehensibly dreadful z-budget debacle. Suffice it to say my young son found it unbelievably bad and he's about as easy an audience as they come. Don't just avoid this one: work hard to help find a cure for it.

Yet another fascinating motion picture extravaganza from prolific Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon. In this one, Mr. Simon actually got some name actors to appear, namely Peter Cushing and Terrance Stamp, who most will remember as old guys in various Star Wars movies. Luckily, they only appear in a couple of scenes, leaving the leading man duties to Ian Sera, who was memorable as the "It Stinks!" guy in "Pod People" and the guy who gets his crotch crushed in "Pieces". Frank Brana, another venerable Simon regular, has a brief appearance as well (too brief- he doesn't get any ridiculous dialog like he did in "Slugs").

Anyway, Sera has been stranded on a deserted island with a really annoying sidekick who constantly screams and falls over and wets himself in the most disgraceful performance since Jerry Lewis repelled movie goers in the sixties. Sera and his grating companion face every deserted island cliché ever as they build a fort, forage for supplies, befriend a precocious chimp, and team up with an offensive black native stereotype who has to constantly save our "heroes" from their own stupidity. We get to see them in seemingly endless musical montages which are mostly taken up by the constant mugging of the painfully unfunny sidekick, as he manages to drop every possible object on the island on his toe.

But remember, they were unfortunate enough to land on Monster Island, and this flick certainly doesn't skimp on said monsters. First their boat is attacked by green fish monsters whose eyes seem to be painted on. Then it's a giant dinosaur who can't close his mouth, some lumbering seaweed men with no discernable powers to attack with, and some cute, steam blowing caterpillars. It should be noted that our hero repeatedly discovers that bullets can't stop the monsters, but doesn't stop unloading clip after clip at them, wasting his limited ammunition supply.

Despite the aggravating comic relief guy and a couple of racist caricatures, this would be a pretty good movie for kids- the monkey is great, and the effects are competent enough, and things move along fast enough to hold a youngster's interest. Unfortunately, there is a completely ridiculous plot twist towards the end that sends this flick into the simply idiotic file. I won't spoil it here, but needless to say, "The Game" this ain't.

I might have been better off watching Godzilla on Monster Island, but Paul Naschy wasn't in that one, and I'm a Naschy completest. So, let's be honest upfront; I am only here for the Naschy! Starring Peter Cushing as the uncle of adventurer Jeff (Ian Sera), who is off to make his way in the world accompanied by the hilarious David Hatton.

It's a silly Jules Verne adventure with lots of animal laughs and pratfalls.

The silly looking monsters, the guns that never seem to do any damage or run out of bullets, stupid homemade weapons, bombs that don't kill anyone, and the incessant whining of the professor (Hatton) begins to wear you down to the point that only a five-year-old would appreciate this film. The turkey bit was the last straw!

As for Naschy, I never saw him except for a brief time in the beginning.

Whew. Glacially paced, barely directed, amateurish and dopey pseudo-adventure-comedy about shipwrecked travellers dodging evil treasure-hunters on an island packed with rubber dinosaurs, walking seaweed men, and *gasp* giant, whistling, steam-blowing caterpillars. (Yes, really). --Stalwart young hero, comic-relief panicky professor, cute chimpanzee, and embarrassingly-close-to-racist native companion bumble around the island (acquiring along the way a female castaway who's apparently located the volcanic island's only beauty salon) one step ahead of the gold-seekers. Supposedly cute twist ending only makes the whole thing even more preposterous. A long, long way from Jules Verne's original (I believe it's the same story which Harryhausen made FAR better as "Mysterious Island") - too bad Verne can't sue for defamation of plot...

This wasn't smart enough to be considered campy or tongue-in-cheek. Although, come to think of it, it did have every cliche of bad monster/castaway/uncharted island movies. I suppose that's an accomplishment.