Private Lessons

"Private Lessons" isn't astonishingly bad... if you can look at it from the standpoint of it being a cheap adolescent thrill on late-night "Skin-emax" or any other premium station du jour. I'm mostly fine with plots involving taboo; even the "Onegai" series of anime doesn't phase me. But I will say this: the one and only reason anyone should feel compelled to watch this movie is to see the rather hot (back then anyway) Sylvia Kristel in the nude. It does have a cute premise, but it's never done much justice due to all of the amateurish writing and pacing.

Eric Brown is Phillip Fillmore (Philly Philly??), a 15-year-old kid with hormones gone berserk. In other words, he's pretty damn average. His deadbeat dad has left on a... business trip (wink wink nudge nudge) and has left Philly back home with his recently arrived immigrant housekeeper Nicole Mallow (Kristel) and sleazy chauffeur Lester (Howard Hesseman). Seems Philly's got the hots for Nicole, and Lester takes advantage of this, persuading Nicole to fake her own death at the hands (or loins) of the boy so he can make off with Philly's money like a bandit. But Nicole switches around mid-plot, deciding instead to help stop Lester's Half-Baked Evil Scheme™. Cue several slapstick hijinks culminating in a final sex scene and serve.

Obviously, you don't watch movies like this for plots, no matter how inane and far-fetched they may be; you watch them to get sprung. Alas, this was back in the early eighties, and unless you had a big name and/or a lot of cash to burn, your film was almost destined to rot in film quality hell. Such seems to have been the case with "Private Lessons," and the fact that it is billed as a comedy rather than an adult movie bewilders me to no end. Even with the nudity, the filmography is agonizing to watch, but since this was probably produced as a "quick buck" teen-pleaser, that's not surprising. Panning shots of Kristel fondling or teasing Brown while the kid makes goofy, unrealistic "shocked and amazed" expressions are about as dynamic as this thing gets.

I should also mention that the character of Philly's chubby friend (Patrick Piccininni) is simply the most irritating part of the movie in my opinion. Some people have commented that this character, who comes across as being doomed to remain a virgin for the rest of his life, is rather cute in his behavior, and I fail to see how they arrive at that judgment... as if one gawking teenage boy wasn't enough. Hesseman's character is strictly porno-level, period, end of story. Even Dan Greenburg, the author of the book this film is based on, had the ego to have a bit role as the hotel owner, even going so far as to appear fully credited in the "profile" shots of the cast during the closing credits!

It's hard to recommend "Private Lessons" for any other reason than the aforementioned Ms. Kristel and the fact that it is better than most soft-porn out there. Aside from these aspects, it's downright mediocre.

Eric Brown stars in this unintentionally hilarious male teenage fantasy flick. The delectable Sylvia Kristel appears as a French maid hired by Brown's rich parents to look after the house while they are away.

Howard Hessemann, the brilliant D.J. from W.K.R.P in Cincinatti plays the role of the family chauffeur who gets involved in a comical plot which not even a kindergarten inmate could dream up.

Watch out for the obligatory seduction scene. The fortunate Eric Brown more than made up for his modest acting ability by appearing in a number of movies where he was seduced by beautiful older women. "They're Playing with Fire" with Sybil Danning is an example.

The last time I saw this movie before getting the newly-released DVD was back in my childhood, let's say 6th or 7th grade. Back then, the naughty scenes were quite exciting and the plot was good for a giggle. And of course young, awkward boys enjoy some small hope that one day they will become more suave through kind experiences of female beauty. On general principal I thought I should add the DVD to my collection. Overall, I was not disappointed.

One major detraction I didn't remember seeing before was the crude white-paint censor blots in the two full-frontal nude scenes (boooooo!). This film has a few details on refused-classification.com which suggest that it might have been doctored in this way in order to gain its R rating, even back in 1982. I wonder why it was not offered with a "director's cut" as a special feature of the DVD (e.g. "Dressed to Kill") - artistically speaking, I would rather have a scene cut than done up with something so cheesy and distracting as a censor box (shame!).

This movie is what it is - for me it represents just a little piece of my childhood, and contains a few moments that were interesting to revisit. If the features of the DVD had been more complete I would have given it about an 8. I'm hoping I will be amused by the commentary when I hear it.

Private Lessons (1981)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

The 15-year-old Phillip (Eric Brown) is starting to understand the bodies of women but he gets some "private lessons" from his maid (Sylvia Kristel). What he doesn't know is that the chauffeur (Howard Hesseman) is using her to blackmail the rich kid's father. If the visuals of an older woman having sex with a 15-year-old kid bothers you then it would be best to stay away from this film, which is without question one of the more "out there" entries in the long-running list of teen/sex comedies from the decade. I'm really not sure why anyone would take this too offensive, although I'm sure all hell would break loose if the roles were reversed and you had an older man giving private lessons to a teen girl. The film, for the most part, never takes itself too serious and instead comes off as a typical fantasy as the horny boy grows closer and closer the perfect woman. The film manages to be quite charming up until the final act, which nearly kills the things. I'm really not sure why they needed the subplot of the blackmail because it's not funny and really adds nothing to the film. The relationship between the boy and maid takes up the first hour and it actually turns into something nice but then it all gets thrown away with the blackmail. The best moments of the film happen after the boy fails to get some because he's too scared and then has to take some jokes by his friend. Brown does a pretty good job in the role of the kid and makes for a nice lead. Hesseman is good as the scumbag driver but it's Kristel's body that steals the film. She'll never be accused of being a good actress but she knows how to be sexual and that's all that is needed here. The soundtrack is also a great one as we get John Mellencamp's 'I Need a Lover', Earth Wind & Fire's 'Fantasy', Eric Clapton's 'Next Time You See Here' plus Rod Stewart's 'Hot Legs', 'Tonight's the Night' and 'You're in My Heart'. Fans of this genre will certainly find enough nudity, cheap laughs and more nudity to keep them entertained.

When a rich man leaves town for a business trip, he leaves his young 15-year-old son Philly (Eric Brown) at home in the care of his sexy foreign housemaid, Miss Mallow (Sylvia Kristel) and their sniveling chauffeur Lester (Howard Hesseman - 'Johnny Fever' of WKRP IN CINCINNATI). Like many red-blooded teenage boys, Philly and his young buddy Sherman are looking for cheap thrills by spying on sun bathing girls and dreaming of sex. What a surprise Philly's in for when Miss Mallow catches him watching her undress from outside the window one night and then invites him inside to get the best view. Soon, the maid is seducing the boy, and Philly begins to experience every adolescent male's fantasy - scoring with an older woman. The problem is, Miss Mallow and her partner Lester have other plans in store for this aspiring Casanova.

I first saw this unusually risqué teenage comedy/sex fantasy back in 1981 when I was 19, which was considerably older than the 15-year-old character is. But the dream was still something I could relate to, and when I saw that a DVD release was coming out I decided to revisit it and see how it stood up, so to speak, after 25 years. Turns out it's still fun, and Eric Brown is humorous as he stammers while trying to contain his excitement at seeing Sylvia Kristel (and her body double in some shots) naked. Kristel was popular doing this type of film in Europe, so it was interesting to see her in an American production doing something that would never be allowed at your local cineplex today. Not only are some of her sequences sensual, but there are a fair amount of laughs, some of them courtesy of Philly's pudgy know-it-all friend Sherman, and also from Howard Hesseman who has some funny moments being pushed around and humiliated by Ed Begley Jr! As is the case with many early '80s teen comedies, the soundtrack is pretty good too, and features music from Rod Stewart, Air Supply and John Cougar, among others.

The most easily obtainable version of this film I would guess is now the 2006 Lions Gate DVD, but purists should be warned that a couple of quick lower frontal nudity shots have been obscured on this release by an annoying white dot. Well, it's not like this is great art, and the movie doesn't really suffer from the brief obliteration. Besides, this was a forgotten cult classic of sorts and hard to locate for so long that it's just good to be able to view it again. I know some people get uptight about this daring film, especially in these days, but relax. It's just a fun little movie, if not a great one, and sometimes even has a little bit of charm to it as well. And it's nothing that many average teenage boys aren't thinking about already. *** out of ****