Texas Lightning

There's nothing funnier (or perhaps sadder) than watching a grade D movie containing a once-famous actor who is only in it because they have come way, way down on their luck. Such is the opportunity afforded while watching Maureen McCormick (a.k.a. `Marcia' from `the Brady Bunch') doing her thing in `Texas Lightning.'

At one point in the film, Mcormick's character (a tarty, chain-smoking barmaid named `Fay') delivers the line `they don't pay me to be stupid,' which literally led me to yell back at the tube `oh, they most CERTAINLY do' (anyone who goes from a starring role in a network TV hit to this sort of grade D trash is definitely guilty of selling out).

Poorly written, directed, filmed and edited, laughing at McCormick's pathetic attempt at serious acting (including a rape scene which is so poorly done that it comes across as tasteless comedy) is just about the only entertaining thing to do while watching this boring, slow-moving `coming of age' story. None of the other principal characters in the film (who are all fat, ugly or just plain messed up) warrant any mention.

But wait - there's even more in this excursion into the realm of truly high camp: the bad performances and tiring storyline are enhanced by some of the worst production values and editing you'll EVER see. Seriously. This thing truly looks like it was shot for less than $100. The `sets' consist solely of residential dumps in drab neighborhoods, a tired roadhouse, a tacky motel and desert backwaters, and the editing feels like it was done by a drunken chimp with a machete.

And just when you think it can't get any worse, the film ends with McCormick performing a musical number, in a truly laughable preview of what would eventually become her last `career,' that of grade Z country singer.

This is the WORST MADE film I EVER SAW!!!!!! My Jr. High Film class did a better job when WE wrote our own script and shot with an 8mm Camera and B&W FILM!!!

I couldn't understand why such a successful actor as Cameron Mitchell would be involved with such a poorly written, poorly produced, poorly directed, poorly shot, and poorly edited production (If you even DARE call it that...) until I saw that it was the first film that his son Channing was in. I'll bet the producer said that his son would get the part ONLY if his DAD would star in the film!!! You can tell that Cameron Mitchell was a REAL PRO as even with this piece of SH*T script and lack of directing, he did a fairly decent job, as Maureen McCormick did as well. Boy, she must have been WAY DOWN ON HER LUCK or been bamboozled into taking the part. You can see that she really tried to act the part well, but with the GOD AWFUL direction and shooting, what should have been her best dramatic scene (The Motel Room) turned into an unintended (at least by the director) hilarious comedy (This was the FIRST TIME I ever laughed at a RAPE SCENE...).

I even wonder if the director's credit was a phony name, as I can't believe that any director worth a damn would put their own name on this piece of CRAP (unless of course they were too stupid to realize that this film was actually that BAD)!!!

First of all, The opening sequence looks like it was shot either with very fast (ASA 1600) film or 8mm film at around ASA 800. It is SO GRAINY that you can't even make out most of the signs!!!

I would go on, but there is a 1000 word limit on what I can say here, and I would use that up just describing all the bad production in the first five minutes of the film.

I RECOMMEND this film for use in film classes as a PERFECT Example of how N O T to make a film!!!

Should be no surprise that I was not familiar with this 1981 movie titled "Texas Lightning", as I was a mere six years old when it was released. And can't exactly claim that the movie was a classic in any way, which meant I never actually knew about it before now in 2025, as I happened to stumble upon it by random chance. Since it was a movie that I hadn't already seen, nor actually ever heard about, of course I opted to give writer and director Gary Graver's 1981 movie a fair chance.

But talk about a swing and a miss of a narrative. The storyline failed to entertain me, and I wasn't brought to any laughs. In fact, I found the characters insanely annoying and some of them downright obnoxious. And that certainly didn't help to make the movie any easier on the eyes.

The movie does have a couple of familiar faces on the cast list, with the likes of Peter Jason and Cameron Mitchell. The acting performances in the movie were nothing outstanding, but at least it wasn't downright bad performances.

Hardly a noteworthy movie. Nor a movie that I will ever return to watch a second time.

My rating of writer and director Gary Graver's 1981 movie "Texas Lightning" lands on a generous three out of ten stars.

A common strategy for a life in film is to trust certain artists, and few confound the spirit like Orson Welles. His best work was done late in life and much of that either we never will see or see corrupted. So we have to go spelunking through all sorts of abandoned shafts, and the most frustrating of these is following Gary Graver around.

He's a nitwit, but he was Orson's nitwit, and he did make one rather interesting porn film.

Now this is a goofy one: written by someone else, featuring no one at all who seemed to know much about what they were doing, and a story about the same. It appears that the result was so bad that the sponsor send Graver back to reshoot as he wished. So we come to this to see Orson imposed on Graver imposed on a disaster of a film about men imposing themselves on another.

Its something of a terrific game to sort out which was original and which replaced. In other words, which Graver was told to do and which he chose to do, remembering that everything he knew about film was from Welles. Its not worth it at all unless you are prepared for a great hunt and you know what the master was thinking toward the end.

Shooting for fun, shooting by Texas nitwits.

Ted's Evaluation -- 1 of 3: You can find something better to do with this part of your life.

Marcia's hot in this one. She does her own version of the "bull ride" in a trailer that would've made the Bradys' proud. Barry Williams wishes he could have had a scene like this with her in the 70's. Hell, we all wish we could have had a scene like this back in the 70's. With all the recent Brady revival, they should re-release this cheesy classic.