John Larroquette: Capt. Stillman

Stripes

Capt. Stillman

Captain Stillman: [spying on female soldiers taking showers] Oh, oh God, look at that. Wash off the soap. That's right wash off - look at that. Bend over. Drop the soap. Oh, good! Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah.

Captain Stillman: Well, explain yourselves.
Dewey Oxburger: Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up...
Captain Stillman: Shut up.
Dewey Oxburger: Okay, Sir.
Captain Stillman: You men are a *disgrace*. Maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.
Cruiser: But, um, we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.
Captain Stillman: That's even better. Tomorrow, you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total fuck-ups you are, I will recommend that your whole platoon repeat the entire course of basic training.

Captain Stillman: Where the fuck's my truck? Where - ? *Where's* *my* *truck*? Hey, where's the EM-50?
Soldier Outside Motor Pool: A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.

Captain Stillman: All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.
Soldier with Mortar: What coordinates, sir?
Captain Stillman: [annoyed] Coordinates?
Soldier with Mortar: Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's...
Captain Stillman: Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it.
Soldier with Mortar: Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna...
Captain Stillman: Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.

Col. Glass: [menacingly] You screw this up, Stillman... and I'll have you assigned to a weather station above the Arctic Circle! You got that?
Captain Stillman: [contrite] Yes, sir... thank you, sir.
Col. Glass: Good.
[turns and leaves]

Corporal, Stillman's aide: [Stillman is in his office, using a telescope to spy out his window and into the women's shower... Glass and the corporal walk in] Excuse me, C-C-Captain...
Captain Stillman: [angry] When I don't want to be disturbed...
Col. Glass: [interrupting] STILLMAN!
Captain Stillman: [breaks the window and sends the telescope through it, then turns around and stands at attention] Yes, sir!
Corporal, Stillman's aide: Colonel Glass to see you, sir.
Captain Stillman: I can see that, Corporal! Dismissed.
[to Glass]
Captain Stillman: Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir!
Col. Glass: Let's skip the bullshit, Captain. I have a problem, and I need your help. Are you familiar with the EM-50 project we have in Italy?
Captain Stillman: Yes... it's a tank... or something.
Col. Glass: [impatiently] It's an Urban Assault Vehicle!

Captain Stillman: Sergeant, we've traced the EM-50 to Germany. They're probably heading for East Berlin.
Sergeant Hulka: Sir, if you'll take my advice, there's a crack squad in the 42nd. It can link up with the air recon. We'd have that EM-50 back here in this side of 24 hours.
Captain Stillman: Nothing doing. If we went to outside units, we'd be the laughing stock of the entire armed forces. We will do this our selves.
Sergeant Hulka: Sir, those numb nuts can't even tie their own shoelaces.

John Winger: [Deleted scene. After finding out misinformation from Captain Stillman about Sgt. Hulka's accident] . That's not what I heard.
Captain Stillman: [Stillman leaps from his desk and knocks over the telephone] Who said that?
[to one of the cadets]
Captain Stillman: Pick that up! Who said that!
[to Elmo]
Captain Stillman: Was it you?
John Winger: I said it.
Captain Stillman: [angrily] Now, I don't care what you heard. My sources told me that Sgt. Crocker was in guilt of the accident and unable to control his men!
John Winger: Have it your way... sir.
Captain Stillman: You bet I will, soldier. Now, I don't want to hear one more insubordinate word from anyone in this platoon. The subject is closed. You better stop worrying about what happened to Sgt. Hulka and start worrying about how you're all going to pass graduation, tomorrow. You have three days to get it together and if you want my honest opinion
[smiles]
Captain Stillman: You're not going to make it.