Ted Danson: Sam Malone • Self

Cheers

Sam Malone • Self

Sam: [regarding Norm's bar tab] You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar".

Frasier: You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape.
[getting turned on]
Frasier: Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair.
[breathing heavily]
Frasier: Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo.
Sam: Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it.
Frasier: In a minute, Sam.

Sam: What'll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Rebecca: I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Sam: Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position.

[Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse]
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Sam: What? What is it?
Frasier: Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?
Carla: Just a wild guess: a snack?

Norm: [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office] Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.
Sam: Yeah, I guess so.
[knocks on the door]
Sam: Frasier, you guys all right?
Frasier: [opening the door] A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.

[to Diane in court]
Sam: To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.

Sam: Hey, Norm, can I get you a beer?
Norm: Beer? Isn't that the amber-colored, carbonated liquid? I've heard good things about it.

Diane: Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?
Sam: [pause] Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche".
Diane: [completely unsurprised] Goodbye, Sam.
Sam: Goodbye, Blanche.

Sam: And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...
Sam: SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.
Diane: Make me.
Sam: Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.

Diane: You've been with a lot of women.
Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.
Diane: How many have there been?
Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun...
[Diane makes a startled gasp]
Sam: Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

[Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment]
Sam: [angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy.
Diane: [coolly] They'd have to be.
Sam: Damn.

[Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers]
Sam: Who's your secret admirer?
[Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does]
Carla: None of your damn business!
Coach: What'd she say?
Sam: "None of your damn business."
Coach: [angry] Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?
Sam: You DID, Coach.
Coach: Oh, then we're even.

Sam: Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by.
Diane: "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions.
Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?
Diane: You ended that sentence with a proposition.
Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?

Diane: And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
Sam: Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.