Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane • Self
- Candi: What's your name?
- Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.
- Candi: I'm Candi.
- Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".
- Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.
- Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.
- Frasier: You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape.
- [getting turned on]
- Frasier: Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair.
- [breathing heavily]
- Frasier: Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo.
- Sam: Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it.
- Frasier: In a minute, Sam.
- Frasier: So, um... how do you like Cheers?
- Lilith: Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
- Frasier: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort.
- Lilith: Well, we won't.
- Frasier: I appreciate your candor.
- Lilith: No, you don't.
- Frasier: You're right. I feel like striking you.
- Norm: [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office] Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour.
- Sam: Yeah, I guess so.
- [knocks on the door]
- Sam: Frasier, you guys all right?
- Frasier: [opening the door] A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk.
- Lilith: Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.
- Frasier: Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child.
- Lilith: Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers.
- Frasier: Lilith.
- Lilith: Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.
- Frasier: Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone.
- Lilith: It was three o'clock in the morning, darling.
- Frasier: People have flats at three in the morning.
- Lilith: He was wearing a ski mask.
- Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?'
- Frasier: Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something - not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something, naked, but the important thing is, I was a therapist again.
- Cliff: Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows.
- Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm: CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT.
- Kelly Gaines: You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings.
- Emily: You do that and I'll hurt yours right back.
- Frasier: KITTEN fight.
- Sam, Norm, Cliff: KITTEN fight.
- Frasier: I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal.
- Lilith: The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible.
- Frasier: But he WAS an ANIMAL. Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was he, a vegetable, a mineral? Oh, I know. He was the CEO of General Motors.
- Frasier: Sam and Diane - you are now and have always been hopelessly in I guess the word for it is "love", and unfortunately for you, like it or not, you always will be.
- [amidst their protests]
- Frasier: I know, I know. Now you're going to deny it. Even though it's ludicrously obvious to everyone around you, you two will go on pretending it's not true because you're EMOTIONAL INFANTS. You're in a living HELL. You love each other, and you hate each other, and you hate yourselves for loving each other. Well, my dear friends, I want no part of it. It's time I just picked up where I left off. It's time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. So I'll get out of here so you can just get on with your denial fest.