Shelley Long: Diane Chambers • Self

Cheers

Diane Chambers • Self

Carla: I've got it! I've got it!
Diane: What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child?
Carla: Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack... I like it!

Diane: Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say?
Sam: [pause] Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche".
Diane: [completely unsurprised] Goodbye, Sam.
Sam: Goodbye, Blanche.

Sam: And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.
Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a...
Sam: SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth.
Diane: Make me.
Sam: Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office.
Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier.

Diane: You've been with a lot of women.
Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.
Diane: How many have there been?
Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun...
[Diane makes a startled gasp]
Sam: Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

[Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment]
Sam: [angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy.
Diane: [coolly] They'd have to be.
Sam: Damn.

Sam: Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by.
Diane: "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions.
Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on?
Diane: You ended that sentence with a proposition.
Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD?

Diane: And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.
Sam: Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.

Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
Diane: You disgust me. I hate you.
Sam: Are you turned on as I am?
Diane: More.

[Carla and Diane are discussing Nick's new wife]
Carla: Look, here's a picture of them.
[Diane looks at it, and rolls her eyes]
Diane: She's naked.
Carla: So what? So is he.
Diane: [looking at the picture again] I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.

Diane: "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these - it might have been."

[the bar is littered with ingredients as Diane is trying to make a Bloody Mary]
Diane: Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?
Carla: I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

Diane: Come on, Sam, just leave us in here.
Sam: That's a great idea - leave two women who hate each other in a room full of glass and alcohol.

[referring to Sam's latest date]
Diane: Pretty girl, Sam. Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey.
Sam: What's that crack supposed to mean? She... she young or something?
Diane: Well, you must admit there's a bit of a gap between your ages.
Sam: Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has traveled extensively. She's been to Hawaii.