Rhea Perlman: Carla Tortelli • Carla LeBec • Annette Lozupone • ...

Cheers

Carla Tortelli • Carla LeBec • Annette Lozupone • Self

Carla: I've got it! I've got it!
Diane: What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child?
Carla: Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack... I like it!

Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.
Carla: Like a body temperature?
Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint.

Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab.
Rebecca: Are you going to get your hair done for that?
Lilith: Why on earth should I?
Carla: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.
Lilith: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

[Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse]
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Sam: What? What is it?
Frasier: Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse?
Carla: Just a wild guess: a snack?

Carla: If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?
Woody: Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin.
Cliff: Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.

Norm: Boy, I envy Sammy and his carefree lifestyle.
Carla: Yeah.
Norm: Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems.
Carla: You do not.
Norm: What do you mean? Last night I let out a moan at the thought of nuclear war.
Carla: It wasn't 'cuz of nuclear war, it's cuz we ran out of beer nuts.
Norm: It was a combination of the two.

[Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers]
Sam: Who's your secret admirer?
[Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does]
Carla: None of your damn business!
Coach: What'd she say?
Sam: "None of your damn business."
Coach: [angry] Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?
Sam: You DID, Coach.
Coach: Oh, then we're even.

[Carla and Diane are discussing Nick's new wife]
Carla: Look, here's a picture of them.
[Diane looks at it, and rolls her eyes]
Diane: She's naked.
Carla: So what? So is he.
Diane: [looking at the picture again] I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.

Carla: I think I'm going to be pregant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook.
Sam: Stubborn little bugger, isn't he?
Carla: You know, Sammie, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and has decided to remain inside where it's safe.

Sam: Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in.
Frasier: Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.
Carla: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.