Stephen Stucker credited as playing...
Jacobs • Courtroom Clerk
- Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.
- Jacobs: Well, let's see. First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it. He took her best summer dress, put it on and went to town.
- Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?
- Jacobs: Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.
- Steve McCroskey: [speaking to the entire control room] Now listen to me and listen good. If you got any ideas, any ideas at all, now is the time. I want to hear them and I want to hear them now!
- Jacobs: How about a game show like Hollywood Squares but with kids? Gary Coleman could host.
- Steve McCroskey: Would somebody please tell me what in Sam Hill a woman is doing up there in charge of that ship?
- Jacobs: Well maybe she's got her ship together.
- [the controllers thinking about the people in the hijacked airplane]
- Controller #2: They're screwed!
- Controller #3: They're dead!
- Controller Jacobs: Did I leave the iron on?
- Steve McCroskey: [he hears lots of static on his two-way radio] Striker, you're fading out! Come in. Over.
- [more static]
- Steve McCroskey: Damn! We lost him!
- Controller #1: Could be those sun spots.
- Jacobs: Could be your dishwashing detergent.
- Steve McCroskey: Get me radio contact with that ship, pronto!
- Controller #1: Yes, sir!
- Controller #3: [walks over carrying some papers. He is carrying them with an oven mitt] Here's all the available information on the sun, sir. That thing is *hot*.
- [McCroskey touches the hot papers and burns his hand]
- Steve McCroskey: Get me Bud Kruger immediately and some ice!
- Controller #3: Yes, sir.
- Steve McCroskey: Jacobs.
- [Jacobs hops over]
- Steve McCroskey: I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up 'til now.
- Controller Jacobs: Well, let's see: First, the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes-Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.
- [Jacobs turns and starts to walk away, continuing to speak, trailing off as he gets further from the camera]
- Controller Jacobs: He took her best summer dress out of the closet and he put it on and went to town...
- Steve McCroskey: [walks over to a wall and stands next to a portrait that depicts him standing next to a portrait that depicts him] Things sure haven't changed.