I Was a Mail Order Bride

Predictable but I enjoyed the story as it unfolded.

I Was a Mail Order Bride is a made-for-TV romantic comedy that plays like a lighthearted fantasy, but not always in a good way. The premise-a serious-minded journalist entering a fake marriage with a charming, impulsive man for a story-has potential for playful screwball energy. Unfortunately, while the setup is ripe for comedy and conflict, the film never quite figures out what tone it's going for. It flips between romance, satire, and low-stakes drama, but never fully lands on any.

The chemistry between the leads is mild at best, and the story relies heavily on clichés without much depth or originality. There are moments of charm here and there, and Valerie Bertinelli is likable enough in the lead role, but she's given little to work with beyond a series of predictable beats. The writing often feels safe and surface-level, with most of the humor relying on contrived misunderstandings or dated gender roles.

Still, there's a certain kitschy appeal if you're watching it as a slice of vintage TV nostalgia. It's not awful-it's just bland, forgettable, and more interesting as a time capsule than an actual story. I Was a Mail Order Bride isn't the worst rom-com out there, but it doesn't do much to stand out either.

Two attractive, single twenty-somethings, each with a hidden agenda, thrust together under the guise of potentially finding a mate.

The year was '82, Valerie Bertinelli was a hot commodity, and the tv gurus were eager to cash in. There's no denying she was adorable and personable, and worthy of lead roles.

That being said, this vehicle quickly skidded off the rails. The feeble writing and wince-inducing attempts at humor - and heart-felt moments - never gave it much of a chance. Add to it that Ted Wass was totally wrong for the 'romantic' role opposite Valerie. He came across as an aloof, arrogant and clueless twit, resulting in zero chemistry between the two. And I do mean zero. Nada. Nothing here will convince you that these two would fall for each other. And yet, onward we trod.

Bless her heart, Valerie tries to make the mess she's forced to deal with work. But nothing here makes a bit of sense, or is capable of holding a thinking person's interest for very long. And I'm wondering if Wass was just contractually obligated to play this role, because he couldnt have possibly come across as less interested.

This gets 3/10 only because Valerie did what she could with what she was given to work with. But the further it went, the messier it became. I guess the joke was on me for enduring this one to the very end.