Michael Palin credited as playing...
Emcee • Polinski • Third Bruce • Mr. Stagback • Silly Walker • Second Judge • Che Guevara • Nietzsche • Soccer commentator • Fourth Yorkshireman • Argument customer • Mr. Bounder • Demonstrator #1 • Storyteller • Detective-Parson • Mountie
- First Yorkshireman: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves.
- Fourth Yorkshireman: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.
- Argument Customer: This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!
- Mr.Barnard: No, it isn't!
- Argument Customer: Yes it is!
- Mr.Barnard: No, no, no!
- Argument Customer: It is!
- Mr.Barnard: No, it isn't!
- Argument Customer: Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction!
- Mr.Barnard: Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position!
- Argument Customer: Yes, but it's not just saying "No it isn't!"
- Mr.Barnard: Yes, it is!
- Argument Customer: No, it isn't!
- Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl, here in the pretty L.A. suburb of Hollywood. Well, we're about to witness All-in Wrestling, brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum, the world's first combined hair oil, foot ointment, and salad dressing; and by the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile. You never know when it'll go off.
- Barrister 1: I did my whole, "Serious offense" bit and then I waggled me wig!
- Husband: You did what?
- Barrister 1: I waggled me wig!
- Argument customer: Is this the right room for an argument?
- Mr. Barnard: I told you once.
- Argument customer: No you haven't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I have.
- Argument customer: When?
- Mr. Barnard: Just now.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: You didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: I'm telling you, I did.
- Argument customer: You most certainly did not.
- Mr. Barnard: One moment, is this the five minute argument or the full half hour?
- Argument customer: Oh, I see. Just the five minute.
- Mr. Barnard: Just the five minute. Right. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
- Argument customer: Oh, no, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Now, let's get one thing absolutely clear. I most definitely told you.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't.
- Mr. Barnard: Yes, I did.
- Argument customer: No, you didn't... .
- Lumberjack, Best Girl, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie: [singing] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day
- Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders, And a bra, I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Papa...
- Lumberjack, Best Girl, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie, Mountie: [singing] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm O.K., I sleep all night, And I work all day
- Lumberjack: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers, I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars...