Mark Linn-Baker: Benjy Stone

My Favorite Year

Benjy Stone

Benjy Stone: Katherine, Jews know two things: suffering and where to find *great* Chinese food.

Alan Swann: Our audiences are great.
Alan Swann: Audience? What audience? Audience?
Benjy Stone: You knew there was an audience. What did you think those seats were for?
Alan Swann: I haven't performed in front of an audience in 28 years! Audience? I played a butler. I had one line! I forgot it.
Benjy Stone: Don't worry, this is gonna be easy.
Alan Swann: For you, maybe. Not for me. I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!

Alan Swann: Stone... I'm afraid. I'm afraid. That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess, my child.
Benjy Stone: Alan Swann, afraid? The Defender of the Crown? Captain from Tortuga? The Last Knight of the Round Table?
Alan Swann: Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I'm not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!
Benjy Stone: To *me* you were! Whoever you were in those movies, those silly goddamn heroes meant a lot to *me*! What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked! So don't tell me this is you life-size. I can't use you life-size. I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them! And let me tell you something: you couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you you *had* that courage! Nobody's that good an actor! You *are* that silly goddamn hero!

Swann: Comedy is such a mystery to me. I feel the way Edmund Kean did.
Benjy Stone: The great English actor?
Swann: Mmm. On his death bed, Kean was asked how he felt. He answered, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

Benjy Stone: [Alan Swann pours himself a drink] Mr. Swann, I was supposed to watch you, remember?
Swann: Good. Watch this.
[Pours another drink]

Uncle Morty: So, Mr. Swann, now that we sat nice, broke bread together, shared a glass of wine, I feel I know you a little.
Swann: Morty, I feel I know you even better.
Uncle Morty: Good! Then you won't mind if I ask you a question?
Benjy Stone: Uncle Morty!
Uncle Morty: What are you worried? It's not personal. What was I - born in Minsk or Pinsk? I know my way around.
Swann: Morty, ask your question.
Uncle Morty: That paternity rap a couple of years ago - did you shtupp her? Did you go all the way? What? What?

K.C.: Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation, here.
Benjy Stone: Oh, I bet it's *real* interesting. What's the subject of this *interesting* conversation?
Alan Swann: [gazing deep into K.C's eyes] These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.
Benjy Stone: Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?

Alan Swann: Stone, women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.
Benjy Stone: Is that what you do?
Alan Swann: No. I don't have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.
Benjy Stone: That's some curse.
Alan Swann: You'd be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.

K.C.: Do you think there are funny people and not-funny people?
Benjy Stone: Yes. Definitely. On the funny side there are the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo; the Ritz Brothers, no exceptions; both Laurel *and* Hardy; and Woody Woodpecker. On the unfunny side there's anybody who has ever played the accordion professionally.

Alan Swann: [a very drunken Stone and Swann looking down from the roof at an apartment balcony below] Now, all we have to do is get from here - to there.
Benjy Stone: It won't work!
Alan Swann: It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"!
Benjy Stone: That was a movie! This is real life!
Alan Swann: What is the difference?

Leo Silver: [reading from a newspaper] "To the question, 'What were you doing naked in Central Park, in Bethesda Fountain, at 3 in the morning?' Swann replied, 'The back stroke.'" Now, is this your idea of watching him, Benji?
Benjy Stone: The police are treating it like a parking ticket. It's no big deal.
Sy: No big deal? We've got kids watching this show. We're talkin' generations to come, here! We're discussin' morals, here!
Alice Miller: [for Herb] You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy.
Sy: Up your hole with a Mello Roll, Alice! And yours too, Herb!

Benjy Stone: Mr. Swann, I think I'm going to be unwell.
Swann: Stone, ladies are unwell. Gentlemen vomit.
Benjy Stone: Mm-hm.
Swann: [to a random gentleman] Alfredo, you needn't wait. We shan't need the car any more. We're going to throw up in the park and then walk home.

Belle: Before your beloved father passed away - and eventually died, he said to me, "Belle, after I go, get someone to be with. Someone nice. A pal."
Benjy Stone: So you went out and found a Filipino batamweight named Rookie Carroca?

Benjy Stone: [Last lines] Like Alfi says, "With Swann, you forgive a lot, you know." I know.

Benjy Stone: [First lines] 1954. You don't get years like that anymore. It was my favorite year.

Benjy Stone: First rule: never tell a joke sitting down. You have to be on your feet - and use your hands: This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. He has a duck on his head. The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."

Belle: Alan, on behalf of everyone here, I would like to welcome you to our humble chapeau.
Benjy Stone: Two years at the Sorbonne, she still gets it wrong.