Bill Macy credited as playing...
Sy Benson
- [an obviously drunken Swann meets the writing staff]
- Sy: He's plastered!
- Alan Swann: So are some of the finest erections in Europe.
- Leo Silver: [reading from a newspaper] "To the question, 'What were you doing naked in Central Park, in Bethesda Fountain, at 3 in the morning?' Swann replied, 'The back stroke.'" Now, is this your idea of watching him, Benji?
- Benjy Stone: The police are treating it like a parking ticket. It's no big deal.
- Sy: No big deal? We've got kids watching this show. We're talkin' generations to come, here! We're discussin' morals, here!
- Alice Miller: [for Herb] You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy.
- Sy: Up your hole with a Mello Roll, Alice! And yours too, Herb!
- Sy: A week's salary, Swann takes a dive. Hey, Swann dive! Bam-Boom!
- Benjy Stone: You're on!
- Swann: [Wakes up, stands up] Double the lad's bet for me, you toad!
- [Passes out]
- Sy: Leo, it gets me sick to think we gotta put up with some washed-up jaboni who's gonna be running around Central Park with his schlong hangin' out!
- Alan Swann: My dear fellow, what I choose to do with my schlong is my business.
- Sy: [who didn't know Swann had entered] How's business?
- Alan Swann: Never better.
- Sy: You call what Swann does acting? That's not acting. It's kissing and jumping and drinking and humping!
- Sy: Swann's never going to show up anyhow.
- Alice Miller: We'll find him, Sy.
- Benjy Stone: What happened?
- Alice Miller: He landed fine last night. That much we know.
- Benjy Stone: So where is he?
- Sy: Where else? Drinking and humping!
- Sy: Benjy, you want to see movies, get a job as an usher. The rest of us are here to write professional show-business comedy!
- Herb Lee: [whispers to Alice]
- Alice Miller: [to Sy, for Herb] In your case, semi-professional.
- Sy: [to woman wearing an Old Gold cigarette pack costume] Hey, Janine! When are you going to let me into your 'box'?